Managing Your Anger
Do you ever get angry?
Lose your temper?
Then feel ashamed for what you said or did?
You’ll find this blog useful to manage your anger.
It’s going to answer the questions:
What is anger?
How does anger work?
Is it okay to be angry? and
How do I ‘be angry’ in a healthy way?
3 minute read
What is Anger?
Anger is about:
Standing up for your rights
Defending your boundaries and
Saying that “I matter.”
Anger’s core message is saying:
“No. Stop. Get Back.”
How Does Anger Work?
Something happens, you get angry. Right? Wrong!
You actually feel something in the middle.
It’s hard to pick up on, but it’s there.
Here’s how it works.
Step 1 - Situation
Pretty simple. Someone says or does something or something happens, or someone prevents you from accomplishing something.
Step 2 - Primary Feelings - in The Middle
This makes you feel any number of feelings, including: sad, fear, hurt, ignored, incompetent, disrespected, powerless, helpless, unfairness, criticised, excluded, jealousy, trapped, blamed, guilty, injustice, humiliated or betrayed.
These are primary peelings - the original feeling. These are the feelings that are hard to pick up on. But they are there.
These feelings ‘can’ also seem “weak” which then may cause you to feel shame. Shame can show up as feeling inadequate, flawed, small, worthless, defective, inferior, bad or stupid as a person.
Step 3 - Secondary Feeling - Anger
Then comes the anger in response to the primary feelings.
The feeling of anger is a signal, warning, alert or ‘message’, triggered in response to original the primary feelings, telling you that “they’ve crossed the line.” They’ve breached your boundaries or values.
Anger then motivates you to take ‘action’ to restore the feelings of powerlessnes, injustice or unfairness, by protecting yourself, asserting yourself or defending your boundary.
You then have a “choice” as to how you ‘express’ that anger.
The Crux of How Anger Works
So, anger is a secondary reactive feeling that is triggered in response to the original primary feeling. Anger is actually a reaction.
If you question whether anger ‘is’ a secondary reactive feeling, check out the further reading at the end of this blog.
Is It okay to be Angry?
YES! It’s okay to be Angry.
Anger is good. Anger is a wake up call - it tells you what’s important to you and what you need.
But, how you express your anger can be healthy or unhealthy.
Unhealthy Anger
Unhealthy anger is anger amplified out of proportion to the level of aggression, rage, fury and violence.
It includes: losing your temper, losing control, yelling, swearing at others, threatening others, pushing, hitting, kicking or harming others (making them feel what you feel) and breaking, hitting or kicking things.
The result of which also harms you - emotionally, physically or relationally.
The cycle continues because after you get angry you might feel ashamed or guilty for what you said or did.
Unhealthy anger is not okay.
Healthy Anger
The opposite of unhealthy anger is healthy anger.
“Healthy anger is an empowerment. I am greatly empowered without harming anyone If I permit myself to experience the anger and to contemplate what may have triggered it.
I may choose to display my anger as necessary in words, but I do not need to act it out in a driven fashion as uncontrolled rage. Healthy anger leaves the individual, not the unbridled emotion, in charge.”
So, the goal in a healthy anger response is to allow yourself to experience the anger and to think about what may have triggered it - The Primary Feeling, then speak to that.
Which leads us nicely into how to be angry in a healthy way.
How Do I ‘Be Angry’ in a Healthy Way?
The Healthy Anger Response - How it works
Here’s the A-B-C-D Healthy Anger Response laid out in a flow chart.
First, you’ve got to experience the anger (A) and pause before reacting (B).
Second, you ask yourself: what caused me to get angry? (C) - The Primary Feeling. The primary feelings (C) are harder to recognise, name or talk about, which is why you can easily respond with anger.
“We live in a world where it’s much easier to say “I’m pissed off” than to say “I feel so betrayed and hurt.”
So, you need to give yourself the time to stay with, tolerate and name the primary feeling (C).
Then, you need to communicate that (D) in a way that explains your:
Healthy anger response (boundary defence - displaying your anger in words): “That’s not okay” or “I don’t want this” or “I don’t like this.”
What you observed them do: “When I hear you say that…” “When I see you do that…”
How you felt when they did that (primary feeling): “I feel…”
What you need: “because I need you to ….’
If that sounds like it’s a bit of a mouthful, and hard to do, here’s an example of what it looks like in action.
Example of a Healthy Anger Response
Situation:
A husband is explaining something to his wife. The wife turns his back on him and walks out the room while he is talking.
Unhealthy Anger Response:
Husband: Feels instantly angry.
Husband: walking after her, infuriated he responds with the secondary feeling of anger. “You make me so fuc*ing mad when you turn your back on me. I’m sick of this sh*t.”
Wife: responds “You’re sick of me! I’m sick of putting up with your bullsh*t all the time!”
And that ends in a fight.
Healthy Anger Response:
Husband: Feels instantly angry (A). He pauses (B) and identifies that what triggered his anger was feeling ignored (C) - In his mind he thinks “I feel ignored when she does that - like I don’t matter - like I’m small.”
Husband: Communicates that (D) - “That’s not okay when you turn your back on me (healthy anger response). When I see (observe) you turn your back on me when we’re talking, I feel ignored (primary feeling), because I don’t feel you’re listening (what he needs) to me. Would you be willing to listen to me so I can share what I think?”
Husband: Feels empowered - he’s communicated how he feels and what he needs in a controlled healthy way.
Wife: Listens and is not as reactive in her response. Because the husband feels seen, heard and understood it actually brings them closer together.
Can you feel how different that is, just reading it? Same situation, different response.
The Healthy Anger Response Takes Practice, Practice, Practice
I’m not preaching here that I’m perfect and I manage to do a healthy anger response all the time. Far from it.
I’ve done my fair share of unhealthy anger - In fact as I pause from writing this and look up from my laptop, I can still see the fist mark on the fridge door from where I hit it back in 2016 during an argument with my girlfriend. I really frightened her. I still feel ashamed. Tears just welled up in my eyes as I wrote that. But, I leave it there as a reminder of what I need to work on every day.
It’s not easy to work on this shit. But, working on understanding my anger for the last 7 years has enabled me to write this blog.
It takes PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
I still have my days, but I don’t hit the fridge anymore.
You won’t do it right the first time, or second, or third, but every little tweak will help significantly improve your relationship - to yourself and those around you.
Tools To Help Identify The Primary Feeling
Two tools.
First, I have this ‘feelings wheel’ stuck up on my fridge at home. It sits next to the fist mark. It gives me the words to describe what I’m feeling. The inner ring is our core feelings. The outer two rings are feelings that are associated with that core feeling. For example: Feeling ‘inspired’ is a happy feeling.
Second, I love this 20 minute Ted Talk about Identifying what you feel.
Right click on the wheel, hit save image as, (or screen shot), print it out and stick it on your fridge. You’ll be surprised how often you look at it. Watch the Ted Talk when you sip your next coffee.
I hope you enjoyed reading this blog.
Further Reading
Anger ‘Is’ a Secondary Reactive Feeling
Here are four quotes from people smarter than me who point this out.
First one - Brene Brown
“The more data we collected, including interviews with more than fifteen hundred therapists and counsellor, the more certain I became that anger is a secondary ‘indicator’ emotion that can mask, or make us unaware of other feelings that are out of reach in terms of language, or that are much more difficult to talk about that anger.”
Brene is saying that Anger is a secondary feeling - the surface feeling. But, that other feelings sit below the surface that are difficult to spot.
Second one - Teyber and Teyber
“Anger is reactive; that is, it is a secondary feeling that occurs in response to the original experience of sadness or pain.”
Teyber are saying that Anger is a reactive secondary feeling in response to an original feeling.
Third one - Daniel Goleman
“The universal trigger for anger is the sense of being endangered. Endangerment can be signalled not just by an outright physical threat, but also, as is more often the case, by a symbolic threat to self esteem or dignity: being treated unjustly or rudely, being insulted or demeaned, being frustrated in pursuing an important goal.”
Goleman is saying that feeling insulted, injustice or demeaned trigger anger.
Fourth one - Australian Psychological Society (APS)
“Anger is triggered when a person believes they have been wronged by someone, that something unfair or unjust has happened, or that their wellbeing and social status are either not being respected or are under threat.”
The psychology buffs are saying that feeling wronged, unfairness, unjust or disrespected trigger anger.
The Verdict
So, all these smart folks are saying is that:
Anger ‘is’ a secondary reactive feeling that is triggered in response to the original primary feeling.
