Are You Having a Midlife Crisis?
You may be having a Midlife Crisis if:
You are 35 to 45 years old.
You’re unhappy in your career and don’t enjoy your job. You ask yourself: Is this job what I want to do for the rest of my life?
You dread lifes sameness and predictability - the constant treadmill.
You feel trapped. Your job has become like a prison.
You have all the symbols of success - top rank, big salary, large house, expensive car, yet you feel “empty” “vacant” “soulless” “hollow” or “dead” inside
You ask yourself: “Is this it for the rest of my life?” “Am I going on for another 30 years like this?”
You are overwhelmed with a lack of a sense of purpose.
You feel alone and isolated.
Your fear that “your time is running out.”
You want to escape with thoughts of “if only…”
You fantasise that “one day I’ll have a…” “my dream is to…” “when I retire then I’ll…”
5 minute read
What is a Midlife Crisis?
A Midlife Crisis is a turning point, usually following a series of events, between the ages of 35 and 45 years old, where an important questioning, review and assessment of ‘life so far’ is carried out and changes are made that will determine the future of ones life until death.
What Causes a Midlife Crisis?
In the first half of life we live exclusively in the external material world; in pursuit of power, wealth, possessions, prestige, accomplishments, titles, status and success.
But, in order to achieve the external, we’ve sacrificed the internal; we’ve avoided feeling.
Then between the ages of 35 and 45 years old there are 5 things that come up.
These are:
The Fear of Death
Longing for Freedom
Identity - Who am I?
Lifes Meaning
The Fear of being Alone
For the first half of life, these 5 things and the feelings associated with them, have been forced down, avoided, denied or ignored, like being on a battle ground pushing back the other forces until they retreat.
But, pushing back the forces has taken its toll. Now, during midlife between the ages of 35 and 45 years, we’re out of energy. The 5 things are coming back up with the heavy cavalry and artillery. We don’t have the reserves left to resist them. We are forced to feel their ‘full attack.’
This is the Midlife Crisis.
What Are The Signs of a Midlife Crisis?
1. The Fear of Death
For the first half of life, if we thought about our own death every day, we would live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. This would hamper achieving our goals.
So, we put death out of our minds. It’s like saying, you sit over there death, while I go do this success thing.
So, for the first half of life, we deny our own death by striving for immortality via the accumulation of wealth and property; then passing this on as inheritance. We embrace belief systems that will outlast our own physical death. We project our seed into the future through our children. We want to be loved and remembered eternally. We defeat death by trying to stay young. We transcend death via permanent symbolic markers of ourselves, like awards, trophies and medals. And we don’t speak about it.
Signs of a Midlife Crisis
Now, in Midlife you may:
Experience the death of a parent, friend, relative, or colleague. This makes you realise that you are mortal too. Unfortunately, you can’t deny death anymore. You will die. Death will come, and that there is no escape.
Have the thought “If It can happen to Graham, it can happen to me too.”
Feel a tidal wave of anxiety, uncertainty, confusion and fear that “my time is running out.”
Feel the anxiety of the ageing process, your failing physical capacities and your loss of youth.
Reminisce about your younger days.
2. Longing for Freedom
To achieve the goals in the first half of life we need security - job security, regular income, career ladder, house, marriage. But, we traded something for that security; freedom.
We had to sacrifice our autonomy, choices and control and dance to someone else’s tune in order to bring home the bacon. “I didn’t have a choice - I had to provide for our kids.” In short, we sacrificed ourselves.
Signs of a Midlife Crisis
Now, in Midlife you may:
Feel “burdened” “anchored” “bound” “limited” or “weighed down” with financial responsibilities, social demands, duty and dependants.
Feel “trapped” in a job to pay for things. You may feel unable to risk leaving. Your job may feel “like a prison.” This may cause feelings of resentment, anger, powerlessness and frustration.
Feel that your life is out of your hands and controlled by external factors.
Dread life’s sameness and predictability - the constant treadmill.
Have a sense of terror at the thought of the next 30 years being a continual repetition of your current situation.
Ask yourself: “Is this it for the rest of my life?'“ “Am I going on for another 30 years like this?”
Be weighing up past life choices, sacrifices and trade-offs you’ve made - “I have this, but I had to give up that…”
Be reconciling what was ‘expected’ of you to do and what you ‘had’ to do Vs what you wanted to do. Now, you may say to yourself: “I want to give more of my life to me.” “I want to do what I want to do.”
Fear that you will regret the life you’ve lived.
Want to escape with thoughts of “if only…”
Fantasize that “one day I’ll have a…” “my dream is to…” “when I retire then I’ll…”
3. Identity - Who am I?
For the first half of life we build an identity based on - job tittle, salary, social status, rank and position. Our identity is what we do. Or in other words, what I do is who I am. Our identity, who we believe we are, is defined by someone else. We traded success for self.
Signs of a Midlife Crisis
Now, in Midlife you may:
Be unhappy at work and don’t enjoy your job.
Feel bored.
Ask yourself: “Is this job what I want to do for the rest of my life?” “Isn’t there a better way than this?”
Feel like you’ve lost potency, power and physical prowess - like your sense of self is fading. You might seek to re-establish this by buying a new car, new clothes or a boat.
Have all the symbols of success - top rank, big salary, large house, expensive car, yet you feel “empty” “vacant” “soulless” “hollow” or “dead” inside.
Have thoughts like: “I’ve made all this money, and had more success than I ever expected yet I still feel terrible.” “What is happening to me?” “Am I going crazy?” “Why aren’t I happy?”
Feel disillusioned; the company you work for has different values & morals than you had believed
Make decisions because they look good, but they’re not necessarily for you
Feel like you’ve stagnated - ceased to flow.
Fear who you will be if you left your job or career.
Dream of leaving your job for a simple life of being a gardener, farmer, writer or simply dropping out of life.
4. Lifes Meaning
For the first half of life we follow societies definition of meaning - job title, career, house, marriage, children, investment properties and businesses.
Signs of a Midlife Crisis
Now, in Midlife you may:
Think that the first half of life was an upward climb of accomplishment with the distant horizon in view. Now, it feels like you’ve reached the peak and it’s a downward slope in sight.
Feel that the external meaning tank has run dry, and you are overwhelmed with a lack of a sense of purpose.
Believe that the work you do is unimportant, useless or lacks value.
Feel lost.
Feel that you lack direction - that you’re drifting without a goal.
Feel that more action is the only strategy - such as professional development or intense physical exercise. But this action is actually distraction, driven by a fear of stopping.
Ask yourself: “What’s the point of it all?”
Have the awareness that many hopes, dreams and aspirations you had are not going to be fulfilled.
Compare yourself to others who appear to be following a more meaningful path - like working for a not-for-profit, starting a business or helping the community.
Be reconciling if the dreams, jobs, goals and aims you have been pursuing are something you yourself wanted or were they imposed by somebody else - like parents or society. You may have chosen a career that society has deemed respectful and successful, or chosen a job or goal that represents your fathers’ values.
Want to feel alive.
Have thoughts about infidelity.
Realise that the external world is incapable of providing meaning and purpose for the rest of your life.
If you haven’t followed societies definition of meaning, you may feel immense pressure to do so with questions from others like: When are you going to buy a house? Get married? Have kids? You may feel something is wrong with you. You may ask yourself: “Why don’t I want what everyone else wants?”
5. The Fear of being Alone
For the first half of life we focus on the goals of - getting married, having kids and expanding social circles.
Signs of a Midlife Crisis
Now, in Midlife you may:
Come to terms with the inevitable fact that you are alone. You realise, it is only you, and you alone that are responsible for your situation in life. If you are unhappy, its is only you that can fix it. There is no one to blame.
Realise you cant solve an internal problem with an external solution like a relationship.
Feel that it is unacceptable to share your uncertainties and fears of being alone in society. For to do so would expose you as inadequate and weak. The result is that you may withdraw and suffer in silence, ironically feeling more alone and isolated.
Time for a Midlife Reinvention?
I believe a Midlife Crisis is a normal and healthy part of life. The Midlife Crisis is actually an opportunity for Midlife Reinvention. A MidLife Reinvention leads to significant growth, increased meaning and feelings of aliveness.
If you relate to the signs of a Midlife Crisis and you would like Coaching for Midlife Reinvention please call now.
