How To Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegie
Description
This book will help you solve one of the biggest problems you face: how to get along with and influence people in your daily business and social life.
Key words: Leadership, Communication, Success
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My Notes
Introduction
Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business.
15 per cent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 per cent per cent is due to skill in human engineering.
The person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people – that person is heading for higher earning power.
John De Rockefeller said “the ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee”
Health is the prime interest of adults; the second interest is people; how to understand and get along with people; how to make people like you; and how to win others to your way of thinking.
Compared to what we ought to be, we are only half awake.
The great aim of education is not knowledge, but action.
My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.
Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.
The system of self-analysis, self-education continued year after year, did more for me than any other thing I ever attempted. It helped me improve my ability to make decisions.
Part 1: 3 Fundamental techniques in handling people
Principle 1 – Don’t criticise condemn or complain
Never criticise anybody for anything.
I will speak ill of now man and speak all the good I know of everybody.
A great man shows his greatness, by the way he treats little men.
Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.
Make people feel important.
Principle 2 – Give honest and sincere appreciation
There is only one way to get anybody to want to do anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.
Everything springs from two motives – the sex urge and the desire to be great.
The deepest urge of human desire is ‘the desire to feel important’ or ‘the craving to be appreciated’.
Charles Schwab was paid his enormous salary because of his ability to deal with people.
Schwab said his ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people, the greatest asset I possess and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
Get men around you that are clever that yourself.
There is a power in appreciation.
One of our most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Appreciation of others point of view. When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 per cent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think about other persons good points.
In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender of our souls.
Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.
Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.
Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
Principle 3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want
I like strawberries and cream. Fish like worms. So, when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted I thought about what the fish wanted. Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people?
So, the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.
Talk in terms of what the other person wants.
How can I make this person want to do it?
You need the ability to get the other persons point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
If salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won’t need to sell us. We’ll buy.
So rare the individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.
People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.
Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.
When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think that it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it, and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.
Part 2: 6 ways to make people like you
Principle 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
He had the ability to put his personality across the footlights. He was a master showman. He knew human nature. He had a genuine interest in people.
By having a sustained interest in other people, he created a new life for himself at a time when most people consider their productive years over.
The president greeted all the Whitehouse servants by name.
All of us like people who admire us.
Let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require, time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
Let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
Say ‘hello’ in tones that best speak how pleased you are to speak with that person.
We are interested in others when they are interested in us.
Help people.
If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2 – Smile
Actions speak louder than words and a smile says ‘I like you; you make me happy, I’m glad to see you’
Smile when you are talking on the phone. Your ‘smile’ comes through in your voice.
There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
Principle 3 – Remember people’s names
Astounding importance people place on their own name.
Always remember people’s names.
Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important.
During the conversation he took the trouble to repeat the name several times.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest most important sound in any language.
Principle 4 – Listen and encourage people to talk about themselves
All she wanted was an interested listener, so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been.
I had listened because I was genuinely interested. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.
Be a good listener and encourage people to talk.
Consider what the other person is saying while they are saying it.
Let the other person talk himself out.
Concentrate your attention on listening.
To be interesting, be interested.
Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
Be a good listener. Encourage people to talk about themselves.
Principle 5 – Talk in terms of the other persons interests
Reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest is interested. Then talk about the things that interest and please that guest.
Find out what someone is interested in and what they enjoy talking about.
Principle 6 – Make the other person feel important
I could tell the Clerk went through the same monotonous grind year after year. So, I said to myself: I am going to try to make that clerk like me.
Give people compliments. ‘I certainly wish I had a head of hair like that’. I’ll bet that person went out to lunch that day walking on air. I’ll bet he went home that night and told his wife about it. I’ll bet he looked in the mirror and said, ‘it is a beautiful head of hair’.
And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me.
Always make the other person feel important.
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.
Do unto others as you would have others to unto you.
Make them feel important in their little world. Do it all the time everywhere.
You can work magic with it almost every day.
I’m so sorry to trouble you, would you be so kind as to, won’t you please, thank you – little courtesies like these oil the cogs on the monotonous grind of everyday life.
Such is the power, the stupendous power, of sincere heartfelt appreciation.
The life on many a person could probably be changed if only someone made them feel important.
Tell people ‘you are important’
Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking
Principle 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Welcome the disagreement. When two partners agree one of them is not necessary!!!
Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction.
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate.
Look for areas of agreement.
Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologise for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully.
Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are.
Postpone actions to give both sides time to think. Suggest a new meeting to be held later that day or the next day.
Principle 2 – Respect others opinion’s
Why should you tell other people they are wrong?
You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or gesture just as eloquently as you can in words.
You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him to find it within himself.
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
Quit telling people they are wrong. There is magic in the following phrase. I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts. One view is xxx, another view could be xxx.
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he too, may be wrong.
Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation of judgement, rather than an understanding of it.
I first tried to tell them my system to solve their problems. Showing them I had all the answers they needed. It didn’t work. I called another meeting and this time I asked where they felt their problems were. We discussed each point, and I asked them their opinions, on which was the best way to proceed. With a few low-keyed suggestions, at proper intervals, I let them develop my system themselves. At the end of the meeting when I actually presented my system, they enthusiastically accepted it.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say ‘you’re wrong’.
Principle 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and empathetically
I admitted that he was absolutely right, and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly and with enthusiasm.
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before the other person has a chance to say them.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors.
It raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
Be far too noble to blame others.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and empathetically.
Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject.
Principle 4 – Begin in a friendly way
Let us sit down and take counsel together.
I can assure you I am proud to be here.
If a man’s heart is ranking with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in the world…. people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced to agree with you or me.
So, with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are a sincere friend.
Principle 5 – Get the other person saying yes, yes, immediately.
Begin by emphasising – and peek on emphasising – the things on which you agree.
Try to get the person saying yes, yes. Ask questions at the start with which your opponent would have to say yes. Ask a gentle question. This will make them more likely to agree to your way of thinking on the next items.
Principle 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Let the other people talk themselves out.
Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
How richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.
Nearly every successful person likes to reminisce about their early struggles.
When we have some time to chat, I ask them to share their joys with me, and I only mention my achievements when they ask.
Principle 7 – Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers
Isn’t it wise to make suggestions - and let the other person think of the conclusion?
Calling a sales meeting, he urged his people to tell him exactly what they expected of him. He wrote them on a blackboard. Then he said, if I give you all these qualities you expect from me, now I want you to tell me what I have the right to expect from you.
We much prefer to feel we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants and thoughts.
I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel he was creating the designs.
Letting the other person feel that the idea is his or hers not only works in business and politics, it works in family as well.
I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it – so as to get him thinking about it on his own account.
He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results. So, he let Wilson continue to feel the idea was his. He then did even more than that and gave Wilson public credit for his ideas.
Principle 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason – and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
Success on dealing with people depends on a systematic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.
Consider the other persons feeling as important as your own. Start the conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation. Govern what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener.
Why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from the other person’s point of view. Ask yourself – why would he or she want to do it?
Principle 9 – Be sympathetic to the other persons ideas and desires
I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.
75 per cent of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
The human species universally craves sympathy.
Principle 10 – Appeal to nobler motives
Experience has taught me that when no information can be sought on the customer, the only basis to proceed is to think he or she is sincere, honest and truthful. I.e. think they are a good person.
To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations.
Be noble, and humble. If they think the bill should be $150, not the $400 charged then call it $150.
Appeal to what they want.
Principle 11 – Dramatise your ideas
This is the day of dramatisation. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it, if you want attention.
Principle 12 – Throw down a challenge
The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel. The challenge. Throwing down the gauntlet. An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward.
Every successful person loves the ‘game’.
The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.
The desire for the feeling of importance.
Part 4: Be a leader - How to change people without giving offence or arousing resentment
Principle 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of your good points.
My friend that is a splendid speech, a magnificent speech. No one could have prepared a better one. There are many occasions where it would be precisely the right thing to say, but is it quite suitable for this particular occasion?
Principle 2 – Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly
Couldn’t keep from loving a man like that could you?
This could be easily overcome by changing the word ‘but’ to ‘and’. Were really proud of you Jonnie, for raising your grades this term, ‘and’ by continuing the same conscious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with the others.
You are leaders. You will be most effective when you lead by example. You must be the example for the men to follow.
Principle 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person
Like many engineers, I have not been noted for my excellent English or Spelling. For year I have kept a little black thumb book for words I have trouble spelling.
I am cautious of my spelling because people do judge us for our letters and misspellings make us look less professional.
I should have begun with talking of my own shortcomings.
What humility and praise can do for you and me in our daily contacts.
Admitting one’s own mistakes even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behaviour.
Principle 4 – Ask questions instead of giving orders
He always gave suggestions, not orders.
He would say, you might consider this or, ‘Do you think that would work?’ What do you think of this?
He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves.
Let them learn from their mistakes.
Principle 5 – Let the other person save face
They know if we had work for them, we’d keep them on. And then we need them again, they come to us with a keen personal affection.
What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself.
Principle 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement
Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
The teacher told him ‘you haven’t got a voice’. But his mother, a poor peasant woman, put her arms around him and praised him and told him she knew he could sing, she could already see an improvement, and she went barefoot in order to save money to pay for his music lessons. That peasant mother’s praise and encouragement changed the boy’s life. His name was Enrico Caruso, and he became the most famous opera singer of his age.
The praise, the recognition that he received through getting one story in print, changed his whole life.
He specifically pointed out his work was superior.
Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition.
The principles in this book will only work when they come from the heart.
Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people whom we come into contact to a realisation of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can literally transform them.
Yes, you who are reading these lines possess powers of various sorts which you habitually fail to use; and one of these powers you are probably not using to the fullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a realisation of their latent possibilities.
Principle 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
Of late the time you take to complete each job has been increasing and your work has not been up to your old standards (measure against himself, not you). Because you have been such an outstanding mechanic in the past, I felt sure you would want to know that I am not happy with the situation, and perhaps jointly we could find a way to correct the problem.
With that reputation Mr. Henke had given him to live up to, how could he do anything but turn out work comparable to that which he had done in the past.
“I see you so seldom, I thought I’d take the time to thank you for the fine job of cleaning you have been doing. By the way, I thought I’d mention that since two hours, twice a week, is very limited amount of time, please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time if you feel you need to do those ‘once in a while’ things like polishing the cup holders and the like. I, of course, will pay you for your extra time”. The next day, when I walked in my office, my desk and surroundings had been polished to a mirror like finish. I had given this woman a fine reputation to live up to.
Be proud of your name / your company.
Principle 8 – Use encouragement. Make fault seem easy to correct
Be liberal with your encouragement, make things seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in them to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it.
Principle 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Men are ruled by toys.
This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you.
The effective leader should keep the below in mind when changing attitudes and behaviour;
Be sincere. Do not promise anything you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits of the other person.
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
Match those benefits to the other persons wants.
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he will personally benefit. …. you will have done your part to provide a good company image.
Conclusion
To be able to navigate the ship of business, personality and the ability to talk are more important that a knowledge of Latin verbs or a sheepskin from Harvard.
Leadership gravitates to the person that can talk.
The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the limelight, raises one’s head and shoulders above the crowd.
He forced each class member to talk at every session of the course. His main job was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage.
