The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change your Life and Achieve Real Happiness
Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Description
The Courage To Be Disliked demonstrates how to unlock the power within yourself to be the person you truly want to be.
Using the theories of Alfred Adler, one of the three giants of twentieth century psychology, this book follows an illuminating conversation between a philosopher and a young man. The philosopher explains to his pupil how each of us is able to determine our own life, free from the shackles of past experiences, doubts, and the expectations of others. It’s a way of thinking that is deeply liberating, allowing us to develop the courage to change, and to ignore the limitations that we and those around us have placed on ourselves. The result is a book that is both highly accessible and profound in its importance. Millions have already read and benefitted from its wisdom.
This is a truly special book in the vein of Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up but for the mind. Those ready to embrace the insights and liberation promised by The Courage to Be Disliked will come to a deeper understanding of themselves and others and find the inspiration to take the reins of their own life.
Key words: Happiness
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My Notes
The first night – Deny trauma
It is not because the world is complicated. It because you are ‘making’ the world complicated.
At present the world seems complicated and mysterious to you, but if you change, the world will appear simpler. The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are.
We do not suffer from the shock of our experience – the so-called trauma – but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but by the meaning we give them.
The important thing is that nothing is actually determined by those experiences. We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give those past experiences.
If I stay in my room all the time, without ever going out, my parents will worry. I can get all of my parents’ attention focused on me. They’ll be extremely careful around me, and always handle me with kid gloves. On the other hand, if I even take one step out the house, I’ll just become part of a faceless mass who no one pays attention to.
It is solely that you got angry so you could shout. In other words, in order to fill the goal of shouting, you created the emotion of anger. You tried to get out to that and make this unresisting person submit to you.
Anger is a means to achieve a goal.
People are not driven by past causes but move forward toward goals that they themselves set.
You judged ‘being unhappy’ to be good for you.
You could consider that the issue is not personality, but rather the view of the world. It seems that the word ‘personality’ is nuanced and suggests being unchangeable. But if we’re talking about a view of the world, well then, that should be possible to alter.
It is you who chose ‘this kind of self’.
It is because you are making a persistent decision not to change your life.
Simply put, people have various complaints, but it’s easier and more secure to be just the way it is.
Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. And it isn’t that you lack competence. You just lack courage. One might say that you are lacking in the courage to be happy.
Saying ‘if only I could be like Y’ is an excuse for not changing.
He wants to live inside the real of possibilities, where he can say that he could do it, if only he had the time.
Both your way of interacting with the world and your behaviour will have to change.
The second night – All problems are interpersonal relationship problems
As long as she had the fear of blushing, she could go on thinking, ‘I can’t be with him because I have this fear of blushing’. It could end without her ever working up the courage to confess her feelings to him…. If only my fear of blushing had gotten better, I could have….
She fabricated the fear of blushing as an excuse for her own inability to confess her feelings. Or maybe a kind of insurance for if he rejected her.
You were so afraid of interpersonal relationships that you became to dislike yourself. You’ve avoided interpersonal relationships by disliking yourself.
It’s the feeling that one has no worth, that one is only worth so much.
My feelings about my height were all subjective feelings of inferiority, which arose entirely through my comparing myself to others. Subjective interpretations can be altered as much as one likes.
Value is something that is based on a social context.
First of all, people enter this world feeling helpless. People then have this universal desire to escape from this helpless state. Adler called this the pursuit of superiority. This is something you could think of as simply ‘hoping to improve’ or ‘pursuing an ideal state’.
So, one thinks to oneself, ‘I’m not well educated, so I can’t succeed’ or ‘I’m not good looking’ so I can’t get married. When someone is insisting on the ‘logic of A is the situation, so B cannot be done’ such a way in everyday life, that is something that fits in the feeling of inferiority category.
You are not equipped with the courage to change your life. It’s easier with things just as they are now, even if you have some complaints or limitations.
Also, if people are using the A/B logic, you are implying if it were only for A I’d have value.
It is to act as if one is feeling superior. In short, it’s fabricating the feeling of superiority. And at the base of that is an intense feeling of inferiority.
They use their misfortune to their advantage and try to control the other party with it. By deciding how unfortunate they are and how much they have suffered, they are trying to worry the people around them (their family and friends for example), and to restrict their speech and behaviour and control them. In our culture ‘weakness’ can be quite strong and powerful.
If we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be the baby.
On the playing field, there are people moving forward, and there are people moving forward behind them. Keep that image in mind. It’s not just enough to keep moving in a forward direction, without competing with anyone. And of course, there is no need to compare oneself with others.
It is trying to progress past who one is now that there is value.
The reason that so many people don’t really feel happy while building up their success in the eyes of society, is that they are living in competition.
Some people perceive other people’s happiness ‘as my defeat’ (the ego).
If conversation turns to debate, which turns to argument and one calls the other stupid. It’s because he wants to criticise and provoke you, and make you submit through a power struggle.
The child oppressed by his parents will turn to delinquency. He’ll stop going to school. He’ll cut his wrists or engage in other acts of self-harm. This is regarded as simple cause and effect: the parents raised the child this way, and this is why the child grew up like this. It’s just like pointing out that a plant wasn’t watered, so it withered.
Step down from the conflict as soon as possible. Do not answer his action with a reaction. That is the only thing we can do. We end up relying on anger to communicate. No matter how much you think you are right try not to criticise the other party on that basis.
The moment that one is convinced ‘that I am right’ in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle.
The pursuit of superiority is not something that is carried out through competition with other people.
It’s only when we take away the lens of competition and winning and losing that we can begin to correct and change ourselves.
So, why do we see other people as enemies, and why can’t we think of them as our comrades? It is because you have lost your courage and you are running away from your ‘life’s tasks’.
There are two objectives for behaviour: to be self-reliant and to live, in harmony with society.
Life’s tasks, and tasks of love, friendship and work.
Think about the distance and depth of your friendships, not the quantity.
Of course, if you change, those around you will change too. They will have no choice but to change. Instead of waiting for the situation to change, take the first step forward yourself.
When one can think, whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love.
Do not run away from relationships or put off dealing with it.
It is only in social contexts where a person can become and ‘individual’.
It isn’t that you dislike Mr A because you can’t forgive his flaws. You had a goal of taking a dislike to Mr A beforehand, and then started looking for the flaws to satisfy that goal. You can make up flaws in other people just so you can avoid life’s tasks.
You are running away from your life’s tasks, by saying everything is the fault of the people around you. You are the only one who can decide your life. The responsibility is on us. It is all an issue of courage. Which will in turn produce a discussion about freedom.
The third night – Discard other people’s tasks
Deny the desire for recognition.
No matter what we do we cannot escape interpersonal relationships.
There is no need to be recognised by others. Actually, one must not seek recognition.
We live in a reward-punishment education. If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise, if one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment. Which leads to ‘If one is not going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and if no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions too’.
We are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations.
If you are not going to live your life, who is going to live it for you? You will suffer trying to meet the expectations of others.
All interpersonal relationships troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks or having one’s own tasks intruded on.
Who is going to receive the end result bought about by the choice that is made?
In Adlerian psychology counselling, we do not think of the clients changing or not changing as the task of the counsellor. This is the client’s task.
You are the only one who can change yourself.
Learn the boundaries, from here on that is not my task. And discard other people’s tasks.
You can only choose the best path you believe in. Judgement people make on the way, is their choice, and is not something you can do anything about.
I don’t want to work, so I’ll create an awful boss, or I don’t want to acknowledge my incapable self, so I’ll create an awful boss.
Separate your tasks from others.
The desire for recognition is really saying that you don’t want to be disliked by anyone.
As all problems are interpersonal relationship problems. We seek to be free from interpersonal relationships or instead create the appropriate distance.
Freedom is being disliked by people. Being disliked is a sign you are living by your own principles.
You will not be able to follow through in your own way of living & be free unless you have the courage;
To be unconcerned of other people’s judgements
To have no fear of being disliked by other people
And that you might never be recognised
The fourth night – Where the centre of the world is
Separating tasks between people, is creating boundaries. I am I, and you are you.
The emotion got the best of me and similar statements, are a life lie. The mind and body are of one.
Interpersonal relationships are the source of happiness and unhappiness.
Make the switch from attachment to self, to concern for others.
A sense of belonging can is something we can only achieve by making an active commitment to the community of one’s own accord, and not by simply being here, or simply turning up.
Do not cling to the small community in front of you. There will always be more ‘you’ and ‘I’ and more everyone and larger communities that exist.
Do not rebuke or praise. Create horizontal relationships.
All interpersonal relationships should be horizontal relationships, not vertical relationships. The feelings of inferiority arise from vertical relationships. Horizontal means ‘equal, but not the same’.
Instead of commanding a child from above to do his or her homework, one must act in such a way that the child takes care of his own studies. This is via ‘encouragement’.
When receiving praise becomes one’s goal, one is choosing a way of living in line with another person’s system of values. (this relates to praise the effort, not the accomplishment).
First do the separation of tasks. Then, while accepting others’ differences, build equal horizontal relationships. Encouragement is the approach that comes next.
When a person feels that he has worth, can he possess courage. It is only when one is able to feel ‘I am beneficial to the community’ that one can have a true sense of one’s worth. I am of use to someone. I can make contributions to other people. It is about having concern for others.
The fifth night – To live in earnest in the here and now
Step One – work on the ‘I’
Step Two– Horizontal interpersonal relationships via encouragement (try to make all relationships horizontal).
Step Three – Larger community
It about making a switch from personal interest, the I, to concern for others, or social interest and gaining a sense of community feeling.
You can’t change what you’re born with, but you can make better use of the equipment. Focus on what you can change. This is called self-acceptance. For a human being the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself.
With self-acceptance, one can;
Have the confidence in others, without the feeling of being taken advantage of, and;
One can now engage in the contribution to others;
Which in turn creates a deep awareness, that ‘I am of use to someone’;
Which is the feeling of contribution, and;
With the feeling of contribution, one will no longer have the feeling for recognition;
Happiness is the feeling of contribution.
Life is a series of dots, a series of moments.
Live like you’re dancing. With a dance, it is the dance that is the goal, and no one is concerned with arriving somewhere by doing it. Naturally, it may happen that one arrives somewhere as a result of having danced. Since one is dancing, one does not stay in the same place. There is no destination.
