Phase 1- Understand

Phase 1 is about me understanding you and helping you understand the situation you are in.

Phase 1 has two key parts: First, its for me to understand you. Second, it’s to help you understand the situation you are in and give you new language to describe your everyday experiences.

The first part is when we are in the coaching sessions. I have my ‘listening hat’ on understanding the who, how, what, when and why that led up to you seeing me.

The second part is the work you do in the background. On this page, I provide “tools” by explaining common scenarios, asking reflective questions, and providing videos, blogs and books that you can watch or read at home. These “tools” will help you understand yourself and the situation you are in, and lay out common themes, patterns and dynamics that led other men to me. The idea is that you understand ‘how’ you got to where you got to and realise that you’re not alone. Many men experience what you are going through. In other words, we can all get caught in the same “traps of life.”

The faster we work together to understand what led to the situation you are in, the more we can empower you to make the necessary change. It starts with me being a sounding board.

Sounding Board

I act like a “sounding board” “an outside voice” and “a second pair of eyes” to get an understanding of the the world you live in and the “lay of the land.” You “voice stuff out loud” and “talk about things you need to get out.” I help you “organise” “breakdown” and “rewire” your thoughts, shine a light on different angles, and provide fresh perspectives that can open new thought processes.

Living Up To The Expectations of Others?

Are the careers, jobs, goals and dreams you are pursuing something you yourself want? or are these imposed by others? - like parents, family, culture, religion or society. This commonly includes: living up to the expectations of others; meeting “obligations”; meeting the image of what you “should” or “ought” to be; meeting ‘assumptions’ about what people want for you; choosing a career that society has deemed respectful and successful for a man; choosing a job or career that represents your fathers values or unfulfilled dreams; succumbing to you parent's ambitions for them and “not letting them down”; and making your parents proud of them.

Measuring Yourself Against What Society Says Your Life ‘Should’ Look Like?

How has society influenced your current situation? This Includes: socially defined role, social constructs, societal norms and meeting what society “expects” you to be. Where might you be measuring yourself against what certain social norms say your life should look like to be, for example healthy or successful?

Others Telling You Who You Should Be?

In this 14 min interview, Guy Ritchie, leading film director, says that we are constantly living in two worlds: The external world; the world “out there” and the internal world; the world “in here.”

Guy says, there needs to be some period in your day where you remember that there's a world “out there” trying to tell you who you are, and there’s a world “in here” that's trying to tell you who you are.

The external world; I'm asking you to tell me who I am, and the internal world; you have to tell yourself who you are. There’s the struggle between other people's perceptions of you, and your own wants and desires, your significant real self.

Feel Like You’re Following a ‘Script’ or ‘Rules’ in Life?

In this 20 min TED talk, Alan Watkins, an international expert on leadership and human performance, says that unbeknownst to us we can follow “socities rules” in life. Alan says, after we leave home, a much bigger parent called society comes in and imposes its rules. We start to believe that we've got to get a degree, we've got to get a job, a relationship, a car, a house. We've got to get all these things to be a good corporate citizen. So we start to follow the rules, and we enter a company, and we start to work our way up the career ladder, following the rules. We’re often not even aware of the rules. Alan says, these rules weren't given to you with your permission, they were just imposed by parents or society.

He says, if you're lucky, you have a crisis. At some point in your life, something happens to get you to question the rules.

Then you enter the stage what we call the disease of meaning. It starts to occur to you there's something wrong with the picture of your life. “I've been following all these rules, and it hasn't delivered. I thought if I was a good corporate citizen, and I got a good job, and a good house, and paid tax and all of that stuff, I would be happy and blissful forever; and I'm not.” That's the disease of meaning, and that is real pain.

Feeling Trapped?

Do you want change but are worried about what you will lose (or have to give up) in the process?

In this 16 min TED talk, Lori Gottleib, best-selling author and psychotherapist, notices that most peoples stories tend to circle around two key themes: Trapped-Freedom and Responsibility-Change-Loss. “If I stay with my wife, I will never trust her again (trapped) but If I leave (freedom-change) the children will suffer (loss).”

Our stories are about feeling trapped or imprisoned by jobs, families, relationships or our past. We want freedom, but there is a catch; it comes with responsibility.

And if we take responsibility for our role in our story, we might just have to change. The catch even with positive change, is that it involves loss; the loss of the familiar. In some ways, its easier to be trapped, than seek freedom.

We end up both trapped and “trapper.”

Imbalance in Your Life

I examine potential imbalance in your life. A common scenario I see is that a man’s Work/Career/Job - including his job title, power, social status and the money he makes - provides his sense of ‘success’ identity and worth. In short “he measures his worth by his work.” As a result, he prioritises work. But consequently, “sacrifices” “neglects” or “suppresses” parts of himself in the process. In other words, he trades “wealth for self” or “success for self.”

To achieve the wealth and success, other areas of his life may also be sacrificed or neglected. These may include: family, marriage, partner, kids, friends, health and mental health. Imbalance may be caused by ingrained mindset patterns (see below). The Psychology of Money is a useful read on this topic.

In three blogs, I write about how this imbalance is created when men chase success, social status and external meaning

Striving versus Self-Acceptance

How can someone be smart, winning and successful in their career on one hand, but on their third wife and their kids don’t speak to them on the other?

Where’s the line between striving for excellence, and embracing who you are (self-acceptance)?

In this 80 min interview, Brene Brown and Tim Ferriss layout this common scenario. In the first half of life, driven by low self-worth, self-loathing or not feeling enough, we can often default to “trying harder” “whipping ourselves” and focus on achievement, high performance and striving for excellence. But in striving for high performance, we can divorce, disown, orphan, relegate or ‘hate’ the “ordinary” or “unwanted” parts of ourselves that we’re ashamed about.

These parts of ourselves then become parts we are unwilling to feel or are ‘not safe’ to feel. The parts end up in “Pandora’s box” under lock and key. Then we develop “armour” (a false self, avoidance tactics, defences, behaviours and ways of thinking) to protect these parts from being felt, talked about or seen.

But in midlife, the weight of the “armour” becomes too heavy to keep up. At this point, Brene invites us to replace the armour with curiosity, and ask ourselves the question “how is not talking about this serving you?” Brene describes this transition as the “developmental milestone of midlife.” Brene says “everything we thought protected us ‘actually’ keeps us from being the partners, professionals and parents we want to be.”

Caught in The Trap of Materialism?

In this 6 min interview, Johann Hari, bestselling author, like Guy Ritchie, explains the dynamic of internal and external worlds. Although Hari uses the terms extrinsic and intrinsic values.

Johann says, from the moment we are born we’re immersed in a machine that is designed to get us to neglect what is important about life.

The more you are motivated by the external world; extrinsic values like instagram, facebook, envy, acceptance, the more your internal world; Intrinsic values like authenticity and meaning, is starved and the more likely you are to become depressed and anxious.

Ingrained Mindset Patterns

I create awareness of subconscious automatic “ingrained mindset patterns” “life traps” “processes” “tendencies” “defaults” “biases” “blind spots” “habit loops” “ways of working” or “limiting ways of thinking” that may be repeating in your life sabotaging your attempts to achieve what you say you value.

In other words, patterns when you’re “getting in your own way”, patterns when you’re not showing up in the best possible way, patterns that unduly influence the way you work or patterns that are narrowing the way you’re seeing the world.

These commonly include: workaholism, perfectionism, comparison, procrastination, high internally driven unrelenting standards, strong inner critic, feeling like a failure, feeling inferior to others, self sacrificing, people pleasing, feeling like an impostor, feeling responsible for others, feeling like you’re not enough, not wanting to let people down and having to “work hard” to prove your worth. Daring Greatly is a useful read on this topic.

Self-Reliant? Find It Hard To Rely On Other People?

Some of the men I see have an “avoidant” attachment style (also known as “dismissive” or avoidant-dismissive or dismissive-avoidant).

During hard or stressful times, men with an “avoidant” (dismissive) attachment style tend to “avoid” vulnerability and emotional connection with others and “dismiss” the importance of supportive relationships, often as a self-protective measure.

Men with an “avoidant” (dismissive) attachment style also tend to:

Want independence and avoid being “too close” to others.
Be self-reliant or self-sufficient and manage everything on their own.
Find it hard to rely on or depend on others, or not trust others. They’ve learnt that they can only rely on themselves. They might say “It’s easier to go it alone, rather than be let down.” They anticipate others wont be there for them.
“Not need others.” Their default generally is “I don’t need help.” “I don’t need anyone.” They tend to try and handle everything by themselves and find it difficult to ask for help.
Internalise problems rather than talking about them. They find it hard to express feelings and tend to not rely on others for reassurance or emotional support.
Ignore, dismiss or minimise their needs and feelings like they are unimportant.
Be described as “emotionally distant” “closed books” or “lone wolves.”
Not remember specific aspects of childhood or present childhood in ideal or positive terms - “I don’t remember much about growing up.” “I had a great family.”

Attachment is the psychology of how relationships with our parents in childhood, influences our ability to develop and maintain healthy relationships as adults. Learning about attachment can significantly improve relationships.

There are 4 main attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, secure and disorganised. These two videos (8 mins and 18 mins) offer a good introduction to attachment, how childhood attachment affects adult relationships and how to heal avoidant attachment. For more information, check out the attachment projects website: attachment project: four attachment styles and attachment project: avoidant attached. You can also take attachment projects 5 minute attachment test to discover your attachment style.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment is a useful read on this topic.

Ever Feel Like You Are a Rescuer?

The Drama Triangle (diagram below), developed by Psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in the 1960’s, assumes that, at least some of the time, we’re playing less-than-fantastic versions of ourselves with most of the people whom we interact. When this happens, we’re bouncing around between three roles in a triangle – Rescuer (or Hero), Victim and Persecutor (or Villain).

These three labels aren’t descriptions of who you are. They’re descriptions of how you’re behaving in a given situation. No one is inherently a Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor. They are roles we end up playing when we’ve been triggered and, in that state, find a less-than-effective version of ourselves playing out.

Here is the classic example of the triangle playing out in the movies: Persecutor (or Villain) punches someone (Victim) and the Rescuer (or Hero) comes in to save the day.

The Drama Triangle is initiated when one person is “triggered” into playing a role. That person then “invites” “recruits” “hooks” or “enrols” others into playing the other roles. The enrolment often happens unconsciously on autopilot. We can get “stuck” in the Drama Triangle playing these roles in familiar relational patterns. We resonate with these patterns because they’re usually roles we played within our family in childhood.

When you read the descriptions of each role below, do two things: bring to mind someone who’s particularly adept at each role, and bring to mind the circumstances in which you most commonly play each role. We tend to have a favourite role we default to most of the time. Most people default to the Rescuer role.

In the Drama Triangle, you’re not your “self.” You’re playing a role, like an actor wearing a mask. Seeing the pattern of the Drama Triangle and recognising the role you’re playing is the first step. The second, is to come back to presence of “self” and pull yourself out. Over time, you’ll begin to understand the triggers and reshape the habit of being “pulled into the Drama.”

The 5-minute video below further explains the Drama Triangle and how to how to get out of it.

Rescuer (or Hero)

The Rescuer (or Hero) seeks “temporarily relief.” They are motivated for a “quick fix” that makes the problem go away. But this is only a temporary fix and doesn’t address the underlying problem.

The Core Beliefs: “Let me take over and fix it.” “I must help.” “If I don’t do this, no one will.” “It’s my job to make things better.” “I’ll work extra hours and pick up any extra tasks to make sure this project gets done.”

What it Looks like: Leaping in to solve problems, making other peoples problems their problems, jumping in to offer advice, taking over responsibilities for others work, over-delivering, people pleasing, taking extra steps to help others, constantly offering advice/solutions, trying to help, “add value”, being “the glue” that holds things together, finding someone to look after, maintaining the status quo, being the “peacekeeper,” saviour or fixer, “smoothing things over,” and being an advocator, translator or mediator.

The Dynamic: “It’s my fault/responsibility (not yours).”

The Benefit/Payoff of Playing the Role: You feel morally superior. You believe you are indispensable. You feel valued, needed and helpful.

The Price/Cost/Downside of Playing the Role: You feel exhausted, tired and resentful. Your own needs and feelings are neglected/suppressed.

The Price/Cost/Downside to Others of You Playing the Role: You’re limiting opportunities for growth. You are saying to others “you don’t trust their own capacity.” You convince others they can’t live without you. You create co-dependency where you keep needing others to not be able to handle their work so you can keep helping. You’re squashing autonomy. Others feel hopeless; they think “I can’t…” “I’m not going to be okay without you.”

Stuck is: “I feel stuck because my rescuing doesn’t work. I feel burdened.”

Victim

The Core Beliefs: “My life is so hard.” “Nobody listens.” “There’s nothing I can do.” “Poor me.” “Why does this always happen to me?” “I can’t cope with this.” “No one understands.” “It’s not fair.” “Why am I always the one dealing with these issues?”

What it Looks like: Helpless, powerless, overwhelmed, passive, needy, dependent, hopeless, defeated.

The Dynamic: “It’s not my fault (it’s theirs).”

The Benefit/Payoff of Playing the Role: You have no responsibility for fixing anything. You get to complain. You attract Rescuers. You get support.

The Price/Cost/Downside of Playing the Role: You have no sense of being able to change anything – any change is outside of your control. It reinforces your dependency and powerlessness.

Stuck is: “I feel stuck because I have no power and influence. I feel helpless.”

Persecutor (or Villain)

The Core Beliefs: “I’m surrounded by fools and idiots.” “This is your fault.” “They won’t let us.” “Why can’t they just do it right?” “I have to take charge because no one else will.” “You’re wrong.”

What it Looks like: Critical, blaming, finger pointing, throwing others under the bus, controlling, aggressive, judgemental, intimidating, righteous, dominating, harsh, rigid, assertive in excess, disapproving, manipulative.

The Dynamic: “It’s not my fault (it’s yours).” “Everything will be okay once we know who to blame.”

The Benefit/Payoff of Playing the Role: You feel superior and have a sense of power and control.

The Price/Cost/Downside of Playing the Role: You end up being responsible for everything.

The Price/Cost/Downside to Others of You Playing the Role: You create Victims. You’re known as a micromanager. It limits vulnerability.

Stuck is: “I feel stuck because I don’t trust anyone. I feel alone.”

Sources: The Coaching Habit, Gestalt Therapy Australia

Is Your Productivity Driven By “Toxic Fuel”?

In this 2 1/2 hour Diary of a CEO podcast, leading psychiatrist, Harvard medical school instructor, monk and author, Dr K (Dr Alok Kanojia) says that some men can be driven by “Toxic Fuel.”

“Productivity” for some men, can be driven and motivated by running away from something painful, instead of running towards something pleasurable. In other words, there was a time in their life as a kid that was painful, and they say “I’m never going to do this again” and this is what fuels them in life. This is “Toxic Fuel.” Basically, high-performance driven by adversity.

Men can have a story of pain (adversity, shame, feeling inadequate, disrespected, weak or small) from their childhood that they rectify in adulthood by being successful. They create the opposite: if they felt small, they’ll make themselves big; if they felt insecure, they make themselves secure; if they were poor, they make themselves rich.

The pain whips them and drives them like a slave to do more, be better and work harder, in order to be successful. There is a desperation to their forward momentum and success. It’s like thinking that success will be an antidote to pain.

But productivity and success doesn’t make the pain go away; it just masks the pain. When they are still, when they are idle, the pain (thoughts, memories, feelings) pop up again. They are back being the kid again. They “still feel small.” This is why many men struggle with “sitting still.” Stillness = Pain. So, they get rid of the pain again by being productive. Men get stuck in this cycle, because it’s the only way they know to motivate themselves – running away from the pain.

If men are struggling, they think they need to fix something on the outside. They look outside themselves for a solution. But no amount of building something good, will remove something bad. In other words, external success on the outside, won’t fix them inside. its actually the work on the inside that’s important.

What they need to do is address the pain by practising “being still”

Sit by themselves and don’t do anything
Existing without goals and objectives

And ask themselves these questions to understand themselves:

What comes up for me when I sit still?
Why do I have these drives? Where do my internal drives come from? What drives my behaviour?
Why am I the way I am?