Coaching Model / Phase 4
Phase 4 - Letting Go
Phase 4 is about letting go of the old career in order to create the new one.
“During a research study, one man in his eighties was asked: If you could come back and live the life of anyone, who would you want to come back as? His answer: I would want to come back as the man I could have been, but never was.”
In phase 3, we worked out the long term plan. In phase 4, we can start working out what you will need to let go of or give up in order to reinvent your career and work towards the long term plan.
Career reinvention begins with an ending or multiple endings. The ending of what currently is. This is paradoxical but true. You have to let go or give up the old thing before you can pick up the new one. To become something else, you have to stop being what you are now. To decide one thing, means to give up something else. In other words, for every yes there must be a no. “You cant have change without loss.”
For you, you have in fact “outgrown” the life you have now. It’s served you well. But now it’s time to let it go in order to start your next chapter. The more you leave behind, the more room you have to find something new. In other words, you’ve got to “let go, in order to grow.” The ending and letting go process involves not just letting go of parts of your external world; the world outside you, but parts of your internal world; the world ‘in here’, which are in fact, harder to let go of.
Letting go, losses or endings of the external world include: job, career, family role i.e. breadwinner, achievements, accomplishments, professional prestige, power, successes, safety, security, wealth, status, lifestyle, relationships, family, colleagues, memberships, possessions, your house, mortgage, investment properties, cars, caravans, “keeping up with the Jones,” meeting the expectations of others, social media, social roles, the family system as you know it, the old you or the life you know.
Letting go, losses or endings of the internal world include: identity, self-image, mindset, habits, ways of thinking, the stories you tell yourself of who you are, your view of reality, expectations, assumptions, getting your worth from your work, “being wanted” by an employer, the person you used to be or how things used to be, the old way of doing things, some way you’ve always been or seen yourself, some outlook on the world or attitude toward others, your belief or value system, or your unrealised future hopes and dreams that were tied to your current life.
Resistance
But, your brain will not like this one bit. It doesn’t like letting go and the unknown and uncertainty that lay ahead. Enter “resistance.” Resistance will attempt to stop the reinvention, even if it’s necessary, beneficial and good for you, make you avoid change and return you to the safety of your familiar old life. Why? It has to do with your brain favouring familiarity over what is good for you. Resistance is the #1 factor that can stop the reinvention process.
Resistance and The Brain
There are two independent parts of the brain needed for change. But they compete with each other. Picture them as each having a stop-go sign. The first part, the prefrontal cortex (just above our eyes), is the rational brain. The rational brain can see the logic for change and can plan for a better future. The second part, the limbic system (directly between our ears), is the emotional brain. The emotional brain is not interested in long term plans; it just operates in the now. It evolved over millions of years with one thing in mind: survival. It works on the basis that, If what we’re doing means we’re still alive, just keep doing it. In other words, it just tries to keep us doing what we’ve always done. When it detects threat it sets off the inner warning system, “fight or flight.” It likes familiarity and maintaining the status quo. It likes to keep things the same, even if that’s not great for us.
But we’re using a primitive tool for a modern-day world. The emotional brains inner warning system, “fight or flight” perceives moving away from the safety of the familiar and venturing into the unknown, unfamiliarity and uncertainty of reinvention like it was venturing into a dark forest containing a potential hidden sabre tooth tiger.
In other words, it perceives change like it was a threat.
So, when your rational brain plans for a better new future, puts up the go sign, and seeks change, your emotional brain will not like venturing into the unknown that lay ahead. And it’s stronger than the rational brain. The emotional brain will detect change and automatically set off the inner warning system “fight or flight”, put up the stop sign and throw out lots of feelings like fear, confusion, uncertainty, guilt, shame, frustration, sadness, scaredness, disorientation, doubt, anxiety, worry and anger. The emotional brain is saying “don’t change” “do the old, familiar thing again” “stay with the easier old life” “put things back the way they used to be” “you know exactly what you get in the old life” “continue being the one you have been.”
The feelings from the emotional brain show up as inner critic alarm thoughts in your head in an attempt to stop the change. The greater the change, the louder the thought. The inner critic will pop up and say to you: “I’m a failure. I will be poor. I will be nobody. Who will I be without this career? What if the grass isn’t greener? What will other people say about me? This is all I know. I’m too old. I’d be found out if I went somewhere else. I’d be starting again! I’ve got a mortgage and kids. I’ve got bills to pay. How will I put food on the table? I’d be letting people down. How would the boss cope without me? I’ve wasted so many years working for nothing. I have too many responsibilities to take a risk. I’ve invested too much in my current career to throw it away.”
Here is where “resistance” comes in. These thoughts and feelings bought on by change, doing something new and stepping into foreign and unfamiliar territory, even if good for you, are uncomfortable. The future feels uncertain and not in your control. Your brain is reluctant to give something up without knowing exactly what it will get in its place. It’s normal then that at some point you unwittingly “resist” the thoughts, feelings, and discomfort of change all together through denial, avoidance, undermining, withdrawal, procrastination or sabotage, “take back control” to where you’re calling the shots and hold onto parts of your familiar old life or feel the need to return to your familiar old life, even if that’s not good for you long term.
Resistance is why change is so hard.
To Overcome Resistance
NOTHING WILL CHANGE UNTIL THE PAIN OF STAYING WHERE YOU ARE OUTWEIGHS THE PAIN OF MAKING THE REINVENTION.
To overcome resistance, we’ve got to appeal to your emotional brain. We do that by increasing your awareness of the pain of staying where you are on one hand, and on the other hand decrease the pain of reinvention. By doing this we make the emotional brain believe it will be safer somewhere else. This will make the emotional brain hit the go sign. But, first off we calm the emotional brain by acknowledging “resistance” is normal.
Resistance is Normal
Resistance to change is a normal part of the process. No change happens without resistance. It’s hardwired into our brain. In fact, the first step is to acknowledge and welcome the resistance. “Hello resistance.” Then I look at what the resistance says: I help you prioritise which parts of resistance are strongest. Then I get to work on the highest priority. I identify where the inner critic thoughts come from - what is the root source of the inner monologue and identify cognitive and behavioural strategies to combat them. I then help you tolerate, name and process the feelings resistance is bringing up. For many blokes, identifying their inner resistance by “noticing the stories they tell themselves” and understanding the symptoms of resistances activity is enough. One client called it his “inner reactionary.” “There is my ‘inner reactionary’ going off again.”
Awareness of the Pain of Staying Where You Are
This is all about your dissatisfaction with where you are now and building urgency and necessity for change in order to hit your “emotional threshold” - a level of emotional pain you aren’t willing to settle for anymore. In other words, “you’ve had enough pain.” I do this by looking at the consequences of staying: Is your health at stake? Is your health demanding a new career? Will you get to 60 and be completely worn out? If you look around the office at peers and colleagues, what will you end up like if you stay? If you stay where you are, will your wife/partner/girlfriend leave you? or will you leave the family without a husband or father?
Decrease the Pain of Reinvention
To decrease the pain of reinvention we need:
To reinforce the positive long term plan i.e. a future “vision” of pleasure to pull you from the pain. In other words, reinforcing how much happier you would be somewhere else;
Clear concrete practical steps to make the long term plan a reality i.e. this coaching model;
A belief that reinvention is doable i.e. me modelling my reinvention and that of other clients;
To remember your past successful change when you were out of your comfort zone, like a career change, moving overseas or moved house. Then leveraging those lessons to this reinvention;
To reduce financial stress by reducing your expenses to the bare minimum and paying off debt/credit. This involves a re-prioritisation of spending; spending on ‘your life’, instead of your ‘lifestyle.’ This includes learning to be happy with less money, living below your means and keeping your lifestyle expectations in check;
A “pot of gold.” A sum of money in the bank in the order of $100-300k, that you’ve separated from other private/family funds, that you’ve given yourself “permission” to use to buy you time and options, and support you through the reinvention. This also provides a financial safety net during periods of uncertainty. By separating the “pot of gold” you detach or depersonalise it. In other words, you’re not as attached to it. The money becomes separate to you, which gives you the flexibility to spend it as you need to;
To remember that the cost of change is low - there is always a job to go back to.
Overcoming Resistance
If we add, acknowledging the resistance +
pain of staying +
hitting emotional threshold +
positive vision +
concrete practical steps +
having a reinvention role model +
leveraging past successful change +
reducing financial stress +
a pot of gold +
there is always a job to go back to,
this will overcome the resistance and we can move on with reinvention.
Two Options From Here
From here there are typically two options men take:
Option 1 - take a career holiday “time out” before phase 5 reinvention.
Option 2 - move into reinvention while you’re still in current job i.e. in parallel. If this is the case you’d jump straight to phase 5 reinvention.
