5 Things That Cause Anxiety in Midlife
There are 5 things that cause anxiety in midlife.
These are:
The Fear of Death
Wanting Freedom
Questioning Identity - Who am I?
Lifes Meaning
Feeling Alone
Existential psychologists (people that study the psychology of just existing) call these 5 things the “givens of existence.” Basically, they are inherent things about being human that we all struggle with.
For the first half of our lives these 5 things have been there behind the scenes each causing their own levels of anxiety.
Often we’re not aware that it’s these 5 things causing the anxiety. Hence the point of this blog.
The anxiety is uncomfortable. So, on some conscious or subconscious level we avoid the anxiety each of the 5 things produce with a number of relevant self-deceptive strategies.
But, these strategies then cause surface problems in our lives.
We then try frantically to fix the surface problems.
But avoiding the anxiety and fixing the surface problems has taken its toll. Now, during midlife between the ages of 35 and 50 years, we’re out of energy. But, the anxiety from each of the 5 things just keeps coming up. We don’t have the reserve left to avoid it anymore. We’re forced to feel it’s full attack.
What’s needed in this moment is a deeper fix, to go back to the start and address each of the 5 things that cause anxiety in the first place.
In this blog, I’m going to explain:
Each of the five things
How they cause anxiety
How we avoid the anxiety in the first half of life
The surface problems the avoidance causes in midlife
The anxiety thoughts that come up in midlife and;
Provide whats needed for the deeper fix in midlife
Then at the end I’ll explain how anxiety, is not something to be avoided, but that it is to be embraced as a teacher we can learn from.
6 minute read
1. The Fear of Death
Ernest Becker wrote The Denial of Death in 1974. It’s one of the most ground breaking books of the 20th century. While it’s great, it is an intellectual tough slog of a read. But, a bloke called Mark Manson in his self-help book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, provides a great summary of Beckers book.
“In The Denial of Death, Ernest Beckers says that we have two “selves”: a physical self and a conceptual self - our identity, or how we see ourselves. We are all aware on some level that our physical self will eventually die, that this death is inevitable and that its inevitibility - on some unconcious level - scares the shit out of us. Therefore, in order to to compensate for our fear of the inevitable loss of the physical self, we try to construct a conceptual self that will live on forever.”
How it ‘causes’ anxiety:
What Manson (Becker) is saying is that we have anxiety and fear about death.
How we ‘avoid’ the anxiety in the first half of life:
We avoid the anxiety and fear of death by constructing an immortal conceptual self. We do this by:
Striving for the accumulation of wealth and property; then planning to pass this on as inheritance.
Embracing belief systems that will outlast our own physical death - faith, religion.
Projecting our seed into the future through our children.
Attempting to transcend death via permanent symbolic markers of ourselves, such as heroic deeds or great achievements.
Putting our names on books, buildings or statues.
We do these things as Manson states:
“so that our conceptual self will last way beyond our physical self. That we will be remembered and revered and idolised long after our physical self ceases to exist. Becker called such efforts our “immortality projects,” projects that allow our conceptual self to live on way past the point of our physical death.”
We also deny our physical death by:
Rationalising why it won't be a problem for a long time.
Trying to look younger.
Keeping busy, so we don’t stop to worry about death.
Not speaking about it.
The ‘surface problems’ this causes in midlife:
Manson states: “when our immortality projects fail, when the prospect of our of our conceptual self outliving our physical self no longer seems possible, death terror - that horrible, depressing anxiety creeps back into our minds.”
Our biggest fear is dying alone and poor. So we hold on so tight to safety; possessions, wealth, children and property - that we never really live. We live in fear of losing our things.
We spend a fortune on trying to stay young - injecting botox, undergo anti-aging skin care and slapping on wrinkle filler.
We compete our way up the ladder to get awards, trophies and medals. But, we’re left drained and burned out.
We live in survival mode constantly fretting over daily logistics.
We tell ourselves “I’ll quit smoking soon.”
The ‘anxiety thoughts’ that come up in midlife:
What if I die tomorrow, and that’s it! Gone.
Is this it for my life?
What will people say about me after I’m gone. Will people remember me?
The ‘deeper fix’ in midlife:
Manson states:
“Becker came to a startling realisation on his death-bed: that peoples immortality projects were actually the problem, not the solution: that rather than attempting to implement their conceptual self across the world, people should question their conceptual self and become more comfortable with the reality of their own death. Once we become comfortable with the fact of our own death - the root terror, the underlying anxiety motivating all of lifes frivolous ambitions - we can choose our values more freely, unrestrained by the illogical quest for immortality.”
So, the deeper fix is to accept ageing, death and mortality. Accept you can’t push it away even if you want to. Move towards death. Make friends with it. Read about it. Learn about it. Inquire about it. Rather than it being in the shadows and unspoken. Whats it like? What happens? What do different cultures do? These are two of my favourite books about death. (1) Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters In the End (2) The Five Invitations: Discovering what Death can Teach us about Living Fully
2. Wanting Freedom
Freedom means being “responsible” for the choices and actions of our lives. It is to ‘be the author of’ our life design. Its freedom from the bonds of social conventions and freedom to reach our potentialities.
How it ‘causes’ anxiety:
We are anxious about taking responsibility for our choices and our lives.
How we ‘avoid’ the anxiety in the first half of life:
We avoid the anxiety, uncertainty and risk of freedom by:
Accepting security, safety, structure, conformity, obedience and submission to authority. We trade freedom for security.
Following the rules and going with the crowd.
Someone else telling us what to do.
The ‘surface problems’ this causes in midlife:
We blame others for our problems.
We become trapped in our jobs and complain about the way our bosses treat us.
We are bored, dissatisfied and don’t enjoy what we do.
We allow others (workplace, family, friends) to define us or make our choices for us, then feel resentful.
We feel a sense of guilt at not having tried to reach our potential.
We may regret the life we’ve lived.
The ‘anxiety thoughts’ that come up in midlife:
I just want to do a trip around Australia in a camper van. But, what will I do without a job or a house?
I want to get away from all this shit.
I’m on a hamster wheel just going through the motions.
The ‘deeper fix’ in midlife:
You only get one life. Don’t spend your whole life waiting to start living. Go live it. Take responsibility and ownership of your life. Take risks. Start something. Do something. Back yourself. And don’t worry what the crowd thinks. Nike said it best - ‘Just do it.’
3. Questioning Identity - Who am I?
Identity is how we define and present ourselves to the world. This definition and presentation is made up of who we believe we are, who we believe we’re not, how we view ourselves, what we do, where we fit and the stories we tell ourselves and others of who we are.
How it ‘causes’ anxiety:
We are anxious because we don’t know who we are. We don’t know the answer to the question Who am I?
How we ‘avoid’ the anxiety in the first half of life:
We avoid the anxiety of this question by:
Building an identity based on externalities - job tittle, social status, rank, power, wealth, prestige and position. Our identity is defined by someone else.
Accumulating possessions to represent who we are.
Our identity becomes what we do and what we have.
The ‘surface problems’ this causes in midlife:
We become fused with this external identity. Socially, that chosen external identity has rules. “I am a senior manager, so that means I must work long hours.”
Our job title provides money, status, power and prestige, but we don’t enjoy what we do. We feel soulless and dead inside.
Because our identity is defined by someone else. We have to ‘sell ourselves’ into that definition. ‘I am, as you desire me.’ Our values & morals are infiltrated and converted by our companies, like a spy that recruits an asset. Our authentic self is eroded. We hate who we become and what we are made to do.
Our identity, who we are, is tied to our job (and the status, rank, title, wealth that comes with it). We fear, who will be if we don’t have that status and identity? So, we become trapped unable to risk leaving it. We resent ourselves.
The ‘anxiety thoughts’ that come up in midlife:
I’ve lost who I am
I don’t know who I am - who am I?
What do i really want?
How do I be more myself?
The ‘deeper fix’ in midlife:
You may need to take a career holiday - to temporarily exit your identity. No job, no status, no social media. In that holiday you can begin to peel off the socially constructed layers of your identity to find who you are underneath. The invisible will become visible. You can sit back in the seats, view your identity on stage and ask the question Who am I? Once you see it objectively you can choose what you will set aside and what you will keep.
4. Lifes Meaning
Meaning is the making sense of the significance of our lives in relation to the world. It’s the desire for a meaningful life - that we lived our lives in service of others or contributed to a cause greater than ourselves.
How it ‘causes’ anxiety:
We are anxious that our lives will be meaningless.
How we ‘avoid’ the anxiety in the first half of life:
We avoid the anxiety provoking questions of our lifes meaning by:
Following societies definition of meaning - houses, careers, job titles, investment properties and businesses.
Having children.
Materialism and consumption. We don’t do meaningful work, so we consume to fill the void.
Workaholism.
Anaesthetic: alcohol and drugs.
The ‘surface problems’ this causes at midlife:
We have a top rank, big salary, large house, expensive car, the kids, yet we feel empty, hollow or dead inside.
We feel trapped, encased in our life. We want to escape with thoughts of ‘if only…’
Our credit cards and after-pay are maxed. We work paycheck to paycheck.
We’re stressed, exhausted and burnt out.
We drink away the disillusionment.
The ‘anxiety thoughts’ that come up in midlife:
What if my life has no meaning?
I want to do something more meaningful - where I contribute.
The ‘deeper fix’ in midlife:
To make your life meaningful, you may have to take the risk to follow an individual path towards freedom. You need to leave the pack, and turn inward to discover your own sense of ‘inner calling’ or inner meaning. The feeling of Aliveness. Ask yourself: what would you want someone to say about your life at your Eulogy? Then go do that.
5. Feeling Alone
Everyone enters the world alone and leaves it alone. Regardless of friendships, relationships and connections, people are innately alone.
How it ‘causes’ anxiety:
We are anxious about being alone.
How we ‘avoid’ the anxiety in the first half of life:
We avoid the anxiety of aloneness by:
Having children
Dissolving from the I into a We. We become fused. Our boundaries eroded. Our children, family, partners or groups become an extension of ourselves.
Being like everyone else.
Never being alone with ourselves. We fear our own mind. There is an urgency to fill our time with distractions. Even if we’re alone, we are on our Ipads, Iphones and TV’s binging on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok or Netflix.
The ‘surface problems’ this causes in midlife:
We are desperate to have kids, and may have them with the wrong people.
We stay with partners, in careers or jobs too long. We hold on too tight. We carry on sugarcoating the relationship because we are afraid to be alone. We become depressed, angry or resentful.
Our weekends are crammed with things to do, people to meet and events to attend with people we don’t actually like that much.
We judge our self-worth based on how many likes we get. We feel shallow.
We are not meaningfully connected. Its ironic, the world of social media makes us feel more alone. We feel hollow.
We’re unable to focus on what we really want. So we get lost.
The ‘anxiety thoughts’ that come up in midlife:
I don’t have enough friends.
I’m not doing enough socialising.
I feel alone.
What if I die alone?
The ‘deeper fix’ in midlife:
To accept that the majority of life you really are alone. Let people go. Let go of social media. You will be okay. Go give a random person time and energy. See how good it feels.
Anxiety is Normal
Freedom and the responsibility for your life choices, searching for meaning, being alone, finding your identity, and facing mortality can cause you major life anxiety.
There are two ways you can deal with this anxiety.
First, is that if you accept the givens of existence, it reduces the anxiety.
“If people make peace with the givens of existence, they can lead a more fulfilling life and enjoyable life, free from anxiety.”
Second, is to accept that after the first step, if there is residual anxiety, that anxiety is a normal part of life and an inevitable fact of being human.
“Anxiety is no sign that our lives have gone wrong; merely that we are alive. Anxiety is not a sign of weakness; nor is it a sign that there is anything uniquely wrong with us. It is mostly a reasonable and sensitive response to the genuine strangeness, terror, uncertainty and riskiness of existence. Anxiety deserves greater dignity. It is not a sign of degeneracy. Rather, it is a justifiable expression of our mysterious participation in a disordered, uncertain world. When faced with intense anxiety, the single most important move is acceptance.”
Anxiety is a actually good thing. Anxiety is a gift you can learn from. It’s a teacher; a source of ultimate education and growth, not an obstacle or something to be removed or avoided.
Anxiety tells you that something is important to you. Anxiety and excitement are basically the same chemical reaction in your body.
If you learn to listen to the messages anxiety sends you, you can dare to take the steps necessary to change the direction of your life.
The 5 Things are Linked
And in somewhat of an order.
If you have the courage to leave the security of the crowd, and follow an individual path towards freedom (2).
You may be alone (5). But in that aloneness you can turn inward and ask yourself the ‘who am I?’ question to discover who you are, your identity (3) and what matters to you - a meaning (4) to your life.
As you approach death (1) you can meet her with a smile because you have chosen your life, you know who you are and you can say that my life mattered.
