Many Men Get To a Point In Their Life Where They Say "It's Not Sustainable"
"It's not sustainable."
Is a phrase I hear often from men aged 35-50.
They say it because of something along the lines of this scenario:
Between the ages of 35-50, seemingly out of nowhere, they start to get physical health problems.
These are commonly: shortness of breath, neck pain, shoulder pain, hip pain, lower back pain, diarrhea, stomach pain, chest pain or heart problems.
When these come up, the usual first port of call is the local GP. The GP will do some initial tests, have a chat about lifestyle and put them on the scales.
But the GP needs more information to get to the root cause. So the GP refers them to get detailed tests done, get x-rays, go see a specialist or get assessed at the hospital.
After the referral they’re back to the GP.
There’s a lump in their throat as they listen to the GP deliver the verdict.
The verdict usually goes one of two ways.
Either it’s a false alarm.
Or it’s not good. They need antibiotics, intensive chiropractic or physiotherapy, immediate diet & lifestyle changes, to learn to live with something, time off work, regular cortisone injections or an operation.
Either way, it’s an urgent “wake up call” that scares them shitless.
They realise they “can’t keep going” on the way they have been.
“Something’s gotta change” they say to themselves.
“It’s not sustainable.”
Let me explain what led them up to the “it’s not sustainable” point and what happens after.
10 minute read
The “It’s Not Sustainable” Model
Seeing the patterns
From hearing the “its not sustainable” story from men many times, I began to see similar recurring patterns and themes.
The dynamics and imbalances in their lives leading up to the “its not sustainable” point and the changes they made after were almost identical across men in the age group 35-50.
They even all used similar language and metaphors to describe their experiences.
Side note - while this article focuses on men, the patterns and “its not sustainable model” may well apply to women as well.
Creating the model
I took this information and put it into a model in the hopes of helping other men know that this is a normal process men go through, they are not alone and that there is a way through it.
The reason I was drawn to this, was it matched my own experience. I went through a “it’s not sustainable” point in 2018/2019. What I experienced in my life was the same as other men.
Model summary
The basis of the model is that our lives can simply be divided into two worlds.
There is our internal world, “the world in here” which houses our authentic “self” or “who we are” and is full or needs, wants, sensations, thoughts and feelings.
And then there is the external world “the world out there” full of other people, work, accomplishments, possessions, lifestyle, prestige, social status and success.
Here is how the two worlds fit into the “it’s not sustainable model” for the men:
For most of these men’s lives there’s been an exclusive focus on the external world; the pursuit of success.
But, in order to achieve the external success, there is a subconscious sacrificing or neglecting of their internal world; a shutting off of “self.”
The trade off of “self for success” and resulting imbalance in worlds, causes stress.
Because of the stress, they need a “mechanism of escape”: usually alcohol, drugs, smoking, vaping, binge watching TV, working harder aka “the workaholic” or exercise addiction.
The stress and mechanisms of escape lead to physical health problems. At some point, these physical health problems produce a “wake up call” that scares them shitless. “It’s not sustainable” they say.
The “wake up call” is an irreversible “awakening experience” that jerks them into reinventing their life to make it more sustainable. The reinvention is simply a re-prioritisation of the worlds. They exit the external world of success and discover the inner world; their sacrificed self along with the unlived life within them. Following the path of the unlived life stimulates new feelings of growth, contribution, freedom, empowerment and aliveness. With this new inner world now steering the ship, life is more sustainable.
That’s pretty much it.
Below I go into more detail on the 6 steps.
1. External World
For most of these mens lives there’s been an exclusive focus on the external world; the pursuit of success. The external world of success steers the ship, rather than the internal world. External directed, rather than self-directed.
The external world focus can be summed up with a simple A-B-C model.
Climbing the career ladder (A) which provides a lifestyle (B) that gains the approval of others (C) = Success.
Generally, this whole process is subconscious.
(A) Climbing the career ladder
This includes: working long hours, carrying a heavy workload, working at an ever expanding level, focusing on achievement and advancement, constantly progressing, doing something better than others, excelling, competing for promotions, and battling conflict, high pressure and demanding expectations in order to build competence, “get ahead” and earn a high rank.
Here I find many men have high internally driven expectations of themselves; they demand high performance. They may describe themselves as “a perfectionist” “driven” “a type-a personality” or “a workaholic.”
The result after following this pattern of striving for success for 15-30 years, is that at the age of 35-50, they’re in a high-level role - manager, senior, associate, executive, director, CEO or on a board. This has given them power, influence, prestige, reputation, respect, importance, superiority and credibility. By all accounts they have a successful professional career.
Climbing the career ladder (A) provides the lifestyle (B).
(B) Provide the lifestyle
This includes: money, job security, wealth creation, house, renovating the house, holiday house, dog, kids, marriage, live in a wealthy suburb, buying a house for parents, kids going to private schools, fine dining, cocktail parties, exotic holidays, elite sporting goods, beautiful homewares, investment properties, fast cars, jet skis, boats, fashionable clothes and a million-dollar mortgage.
These are all symbols of success.
Climbing the career ladder (A) and the lifestyle (B) is constructed in order to gain approval from others (C).
(C) Gain approval from others
This includes: keeping the partner or wife happy; meeting the approval and expectations of parents; choosing a career that makes their parents happy; pleasing others; being the “nice guy”; meeting “obligations”; meeting the image of what they “should” or “ought” to be; chasing achievements to validate themselves; living up to others’ expectations; meeting what society “expects” them to be; choosing a career that society has deemed respectful and successful for a man; choosing a job or career that represents their fathers values; completing a parents thwarted career dreams; submitting to family pressure to do something “sensible and let go of that ‘impractical’ dream”; following in parents footsteps; succumbing to their parent's ambitions for them and “not letting them down” or “disappointing them”; making their children or parents “proud” of them; seeking praise for accomplishments; meeting socially defined roles “the breadwinner”; being accepted into prestigious social groups; gaining recognition, attention, respect and acknowledgement from their boss; getting 10,000 followers on Instagram or being accepted, important, liked, admired and of high social status in others and societies eyes.
Success
The sum of the successful career (A), plus the symbols of success (B) plus being of high social status in societies eyes (C) equates to what ‘society’ would call successful.
Identity and Worth
The external A-B-C and the success forms their identity - how they define and present themselves to the world. Their identity is formed externally by what they do and what they have. The combination of the A-B-C, the success and the identity provides their measure of worth and value. In other words, the more external success they have, the more worthy and valued they feel.
Even the word “proud” comes from Latin, and means “to be of value.” So, in (c) gain approval from others, when they say “they want ‘people’ to be proud of them” what they’re saying is, they want people to tell them they are of value.
2. Internal World
Superficially their life looks great.
But, under the surface, the external success comes at a tremendous cost.
This cost can be summed up in two processes.
First process
In order to achieve the external success, they are required to become who other people want them to be.
In climbing the career ladder (A) there is an “altering” of their identity to suit the position. Their identity; who they are, becomes defined by someone else. The basis of this identity is “looking” smart, strong and competent or “presenting” themselves as perfect.
In the lifestyle (B) there is buying status symbols to represent an “ideal image” of who they want people to think they are.
In the approval of others (C) there is a manufacturing of a “facade” that gains high-fives from others. In other words, they “pretend” to be happy and successful.
These are gradual deviations that over 15-30 years “convert” them from who they are into who other people want them to be.
Second process
The second process is a result of the first.
And that is; that to be who other people want them to be, they have to shut off who they are.
Subconscious
Both processes happen subconsciously. They don’t even realise it’s happening.
The outcome is a trade-off of internal wants, feelings, values and needs in favour of the external (A), (B), (C) - the career, the money, the lifestyle, the approval of others and the success.
The internal world subconsciously becomes “sacrificed” “shut off” “orphaned” “repressed” “alienated” or “disowned.”
Who they are is forfeited as a necessary consequence of the external success.
In short, they lose themselves.
Internally driven self-worth is obliterated. Placing their worth and value in the external has meant they have de-valued themselves.
The feelings from the internal world are still there. They pop up like a jack in the box, but they’re quickly wrestled back down and the lid closed. The internal voice speaks, but it is ignored - zipped shut.
The result
The sum of this means that there is a total suppression or shutting off of self.
When this happens, men may be described as “a closed book” “stoic” “he keeps to himself” or “the strong, silent type.”
The end result of the exclusive focus on the external world and the sacrificed internal world, is that as Steven Pressfield says in The War of Art, they end up having two lives: the life they live, and the unlived life within them.
3. Stress
The imbalance of the prioritised external world and sacrificed internal world, causes financial, job, relational and personal stress.
Financial stresses
The desire for the lifestyle means they’ve bought things on credit that they cant afford. Now there is the financial stresses of paying back credit or paying off debt - mortgage repayments, investment property repayments, credit cards, after-pay, holidays, car finance repayments and homewares finance.
All this stacked on top of daily living costs - raising kids, putting food on the table, bills and school fees.
There is the panic to earn more money. The thought is “I need to earn $10,000 a month after tax just to pay the mortgage.” Now comes the stresses of trying to get promotions to increase salary, coercing the bonus system or putting pressure on the boss to get a pay rise. Then every month stressing if they can pay all the bills.
Job stresses
Behind the high-level roles lie hidden but powerful dynamics.
The more they get paid, the more their company believe they own them. This leaves them open to the whims of their company; being made to meet unreasonable work hours, meet unrealistic expectations or meet “made up” deadlines. These uncontrollable demands send stress levels through the roof.
Their success and money is dependent on and “tied to” their company. They cannot risk being fired and ending up unemployed. The success and money would be gone which would snowball into huge ramifications in loss of lifestyle and potential “failure” in the eyes of others. This fear of loss forces them to submit to authority, try to please others and become obedient. They essentially become trapped in a job to maintain their success. But a consequence of this is that they have to tolerate being wrongly or unfairly treated or being made to do morally unjust things. Not feeling like they can “speak up” and assert themselves, their values or morals causes significant stress. In other words, they “compromise their integrity for a pay check.”
The high-level roles “don’t fit” their personality. They can’t be themselves. They may naturally be a shy, easy going, introverted guy, but these roles are full of conflict, competition, aggression and high-pressure. The opposite of their true nature. Every day they have the stress of trying to be someone they’re not.
They’re bored. They are not really interested in the content of their work. What they’re interested in is excelling itself.
In the high-level roles competition is rife. There is a concern for “being viewed” as inadequate, weak, incompetent or ineffective if they “can’t cut it.” And if they “can’t cut it” there is the looming reality of being quickly replaced by someone else who can.
Relational stresses
The successful career has a detrimental side; it may come at the expense of their marriage and kids. Their wife may then say things like “you’re not present with me.” “You don’t know what it’s like for me being alone with the kids.” You’re prioritising work over me.” The stress builds with the wife and kids which may end in separation or divorce. By age 40-50 they may even be in their third marriage and their kids don’t speak to them.
To meet the approval and expectations of others, to “keep everyone happy” they put themselves last - putting others needs before their own and ignoring their internal world. This sets up a cycle of subconscious “self-sabotaging” “undermining” or “self-defeating” behaviours and “limiting ways of thinking.” Men describe “feeling responsible for others” “keeping the peace” “I try to avoid conflict” “I have difficulty saying no.” They feel guilt or shame if they don’t meet the needs of others.
In their marriage or relationship, there may be a trade-off. They may be unhappy, but will “stay together” putting on an idyllic relationship facade for the kids, for their parents, for social status or fear from the disapproval of others that it didn’t work out.
Personal stresses
The piling up of the financial, job and relationship stresses causes significant personal stress.
Men say “my life feels out of control” “I feel trapped” “I feel powerless” “I’m just maintaining the status quo” “I’m tied to a treadmill” or “I feel like a vending machine; people push buttons and i dispense products.”
They feel “alone” “inadequate” or “bored.”
They are “locked in a lifestyle” or “suffocated by their lifestyle”
They may feel like they are “playing a character” or “following a script” in life.
There is no freedom, purpose or meaningful contribution. There is a deep sense that “something's missing.”
They may say “Look at all these things I have. I shouldn’t feel bad or depressed or not want to go to work.”
But, deep down they feel “empty” “hollow” “vacant” or “dead” inside.
4. The Escape
Now they want a way to escape all this shit.
And the perfect mechanisms of escape are: shopping, alcohol, binge drinking, junk food, binge watching TV, gambling, smoking, vaping, affairs, partying, drugs, working even harder aka the “workaholic” or exercise addiction.
It starts off as an autopilot smoke, vape or few beers or wines every night to “take the edge off.”
But, as the tolerance builds, and the stresses pile up, they need a way to release it. Fridays nights they “need to let off steam.”
In the extremes, they’re getting “battered” “blind” “wasted” “hammered” at every available occasion.
One client calls this “blowing themselves up.” There’s a seeking of total oblivion. To, for a moment completely forget about the life they live.
The best things about this, is that it works!
At least for a while.
5. Physical Health Problems
The body keeps the score
But, over the 15-30 years of this pattern repeating, the body is physically keeping the score.
Like a counter on a score board continuously clocking up all the points - the long work hours, meeting high expectations at work, carrying a heavy work load, financial stresses, job stresses, relational stresses, the physical depletion from the escape mechanisms, the hangovers.
Tick, tick, tick the score keeps clocking up.
Initial warning signs
As the score builds, the body sends out initial warning signs that there is something wrong with the picture of their life. The initial warning signs are things like feeling rundown, physical fatigue, feeling “physically shot,” lost mojo, low energy, burnout, not sleeping, hives, skin rashes, stomach pains, acid reflux, diarrhea, shingles, pneumonia, headaches, weight gain, high blood pressure, high cholesterol.
But the thought is “she’ll be right mate.” Pop some painkillers, take some supplements, take a few days off work, smash a few beers and carry on; back to the same job with the same stresses. The subconscious thought is that the body is expendable - just a vessel used to achieve their goals. At this point, the body is not even considered that it could be affected by the dynamics of their life. In other words, driven on the road to success there is an utter disregard for themselves, for their best interests or their health.
The warning signs are ignored.
And they can be ignored for years.
Major warning signs
But, at some point between the ages of 35-50, the body says no! by way of major warning signs - Things like gut disorders, stomach ulcers, neck pain, shoulder pain, hip pain, lower back pain, osteoporosis, arthritis, heart disease or a heart attack.
The stern warning from the body is “You’re not listening to me mate. Fuck you. I’m going to stop you.”
It’s an urgent “wake up call” that scares them shitless.
This irreversible “awakening experience” jerks them out of the external world and into the internal world.
“It’s not sustainable”
They realise they “can’t keep going” on the way they have been. Their physical body will not allow them to continue.
The external demands have exceeded their bodies physical capacity to cope.
They are forced to stop and consider what they’ve been denying or ignoring.
“Something’s gotta change” they say to themselves.
“It’s not sustainable.”
You may wonder why the body and not the mind. Well, I’ve noticed even with depression or anxiety, the tendency is to push through. It’s only when the body physically stops them does the “wake-up call” finally happen.
6. Reinvention
Consequences
They look at the consequences of carrying on by asking themselves:
“Will I get to 60 and be physically broken?”
“Will I even be able to see my kids graduate or get married?”
They come to the conclusion that “its not worth it.”
Now comes the reinvention, renovation or recalibration of their life to make it more sustainable.
Responsibility
The first thing they do is to take “responsibility” for the fact that the situation they’re now in is the result of the choices “they” have made. This is a bitter pill to swallow. Even if they’ve failed to choose something, that’s still a choice; they made the choice not to choose. There is nothing or no one to blame.
The second thing, is the realisation that the only person that can get them out of this situation is them.
Now they grab life by the scruff of the neck and do something about it.
Re-prioritisation of the Worlds
Reinvention is simply a switching or re-prioritisation of the worlds.
Instead of the priority on the external world, the internal world now takes centre stage.
Here is a “road map” of what reinvention looks like in action.
1. External World
They realise that the relentless pursuit of societies definition of success is a cul-de-sac, and that the meaning in their life must be derived from a deeper inner source. In other words, the external world is incapable of providing meaning and purpose. So, they have no choice but to follow the only direction left: inward.
So, in order to turn inward they let go of the external world of success: the money, wealth, status, prestige, title, safety, security, lifestyle and the approval of others. In short, they let go of the old version of themselves; their old identity.
There is a “stripping” “de-layering” or “peeling off” of the character that everyone else wanted them to play, and the externally constructed identity. They essentially throw away the script.
2. Internal World
They cultivate the sacrificed inner world; they “find out about themselves” and get to know “who they are.”
In the process of examining their inner world they discover their natural personality, interests, values, gifts and abilities. From this foundation of getting to know who they “really are,” they begin “rebuilding” their own entirely new identity.
This internal world provides new signs of location and a new source of direction.
The sum of this is an increasing of the internal world and a decreasing of the external world. The internal world now steers the ship, rather than the external. Self-directed, rather than external directed.
3. Stress
Financial: They realise that the key to happiness is not riches or wealth, but it is in fact having control of their time. Which makes them see that not having control of their time previously was a key factor that increased their stress. They used their wealth to buy bigger and better stuff. But, while this got high-fives from others, they simultaneously gave up more control of their time. As such they felt stressed even though they were richer than ever. So, now they go through a process of shedding stuff. They pay off debt/credit and reduce expenses to the bare minimum. They learn to be happy with less money, live below their means and keep their lifestyle expectations in check. The result is that they have control over their time. And, control of their time increases their happiness.
Job: Taking some time off, has reduced the external work demands - the deadlines, the workload, the expectations. Its all gone. Without the demands, they have the head space to get some clarity on life.
Relational: They start putting themselves first. They “find their voice” and begin to say “no!” or “that’s not okay” and construct tighter boundaries. They have more time to be present with their wife and kids. They say “I’m doing the drop-off’s and pick-ups from school now.” They realise what they’re been missing. Alternatively they may take ownership and decide to separate.
Personal: They feel empowered and alive.
4. The Escape
Without the stresses they say “I just haven't felt like drinking.” “I just have the odd beer now and then.”
5. Physical Health Problems
They notice the weight fall off. They say “I cant believe it, in 4 months off I’ve lost 9 kg’s without doing a thing.”
They say things like “I’m back playing five-a-side soccer.”
They start doing yoga.
They feel alive.
The reinvention adds up to making life more sustainable.
Making Life More Sustainable
Sustainability is about resources.
You take resources out. But to make resources “sustainable” i.e. to keep going and maintain them at a certain level you need to put resources back or allow stocks to replenish naturally.
For these men (and me), the lead up to the “its not sustainable” point was about extracting maximum resources (energy) from the body to fuel life.
But, there was a missing or inadequate replenishment of stocks back to the body.
In short, there was a lot of taking from the cup and not filling the cup.
So over time, resources were not put back into the body or the stocks of energy didn’t have the time to replenish naturally.
Consequently the body said no! “It’s not sustainable.”
What men did after the “its not sustainable” point was to reduce the extraction of resources from the body and spend more time replenishing stocks.
They balanced out the equation with an equal taking from the cup and an equal filling of the cup.
In other words, they spent more time looking after themselves; they slowed down, they took more time to rest, and lived a more leisurely pace of life.
The “It’s Not Sustainable” Point is a Normal Part of the Reinvention Process
Writing this blog made me recognise just how conditioned we are in childhood to seek approval from the external word.
It made me wonder, why?
It turns out that it’s simple human psychology based on our evolutionary need to survive.
As a child if we met our parents approval, we felt safe. Survival box ticked. Hoo rah. But, disapproval from our parents meant the opposite – fear, danger and isolation. Survival box left blank. Shit.
What our brains subconsciously, on autopilot did in that moment was a miraculous thing. They devised a plan that said, “If I do what my parents want me to do, I will survive.” and “If I don’t do what my parents want me to do, I will die.”
Damn those baby brains were smart.
Approval became linked with survival.
Well, we survived, but there was a price to pay - we became who our parents wanted us to be. We developed a likeable personality that met our parent’s approval. In other words, we began to play a “character” that got the smiles and nods. But, to play the “character” meant we had to shut off who we are.
This might sound alarming, but it’s true. It’s true for everyone to some degree. The internal world is sacrificed in favor of the external world. All in the name of survival.
This conditioning set us up to subconsciously repeat this process of shutting off who we are and being who other people want us to be all throughout life. It feels normal.
The physical health problems later in life are often the first thing that alert us to this imbalance.
So what I’m saying is, the “it’s not sustainable” point is actually a normal part, or even a necessary requirement of the reinvention process. I’m not sure we’d reinvent ourselves without it.
We need that “wake-up call.”
Without it, we’d just carry on regardless.
This quote from On Being podcast host Krista Tippett says it all.
“Its such a strange thing about us, as creatures, that we have to hit bottom or face our mortality, that we have to come to the end of what we thought we knew, where our capacities give out, to often grow and deepen in ways that were not accessible to us before. Unless we feel our own breaking, it is hard to grow.”
