It's Not Sustainable: When Men Hit Their Breaking Point
"It's not sustainable” is a phrase I hear often from men aged 35-55.
They say it because of something along the lines of this scenario:
Between the ages of 35-55, seemingly out of nowhere, they start to get physical health problems. These are commonly: back pain, pulled hamstrings, headaches, migraines, shingles, weight gain, sleep problems, Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), chest pain or heart problems.
Together with the physical health problems, the men also commonly report: feeling rundown, physical fatigue, feeling “physically shot,” stressed, lost mojo, low energy, feeling burnt out, and increased irritability and anger.
When these health problems come up, the first port of call is usually the local GP. The GP will do some initial tests, have a chat about lifestyle and work, and put them on the scales. But the GP needs more information to get to the root cause. So the GP refers them to get detailed tests done, get x-rays, go see a specialist or get assessed at the hospital.
After the referral they’re back to the GP. There’s a lump in their throat as they listen to the GP deliver the verdict. The verdict usually goes one of two ways. Either it’s a false alarm. Or it’s not good—they need antibiotics, intensive chiropractic or physiotherapy, immediate diet & lifestyle changes, to learn to live with something, time off work, regular cortisone injections or an operation.
Either way, it’s an urgent “wake up call” or “health scare” that scares them shitless.
They realise they “can’t keep going” on the way they have been.
They’ve “hit their breaking point.”
“Something’s gotta change” they say to themselves.
“It’s not sustainable.”
Let me explain what led up to the “it’s not sustainable: when men hit their breaking point” and what happens after.
3 minute read
The 6 Step “It’s Not Sustainable-Breaking Point” Model
Seeing the patterns
The “its not sustainable-breaking point” story, was a common story from men. It was uncanny just how many times I heard it. So much so, that I started to pick up recurring patterns and themes. Each of the men’s stories were in fact surprisingly similar. The dynamics and imbalances in the men’s lives leading up to the “its not sustainable-breaking point” and the changes they made after were almost identical. The men even used similar language and metaphors to describe their experiences.
Building the model
I felt the urge to translate this recurring story into a model. The thought process was, that if I created a model, It may let other men know that the “its not sustainable-breaking point” story was a normal and common story, other men have been through it and they are not alone. There was also a personal reason to it. The men’s stories matched my own story. I went through a “it’s not sustainable-breaking point” in 2018-2019. My story was the same too.
The model
Here we go with the model. The basis of the model is that the men’s lives could be divided simply into two worlds and two half’s. On the worlds front, there is the internal world; “the world in here” which houses the authentic “real self” or “who we are” and is full or needs, wants, thoughts and feelings. Then there is the external world; “the world out there” full of other people, work, accomplishments, possessions, lifestyle, prestige, social status and success. On the two half’s front, there is the first half of life and the second half of life. The “its not sustainable-breaking point” story appeared at 35-55 at the juncture between the two half’s.
Now we’ve set the scene, here’s the 6 step “It’s not sustainable-breaking point” model:
Step 1: External World Focus
For the first half of life, for these men, there has been an exclusive focus on the external world; the pursuit of success—“climbing the ladder” “proving themselves” “getting ahead” “becoming somebody” and “making it.”
Step 2: Repressed Internal World
But in order to be successful, they become another version of themselves; a “false self.” The cost of doing this, is that they repress parts of their internal world; their authentic “real self.” They come to believe they ‘are’ the “false self.” This “false self” becomes their source of self-worth, their value as a man, and eventually, the “false self” replaces their “real self.”
Step 3: Stress
The trade off of “real self” for “false self” causes financial, job, relational and personal stress. They may end up feeling “trapped” or “stuck” in a life not of their liking.
Step 4: The Escape
Now they need a way to “escape” the life they’ve created—usually alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, adultery/cheating, partying, porn, becoming a “workaholic” or exercise addiction.
Step 5: Physical Health Problems
The stress and mechanisms of escape lead to physical health problems. At some point, these physical health problems produce a “wake up call” or “health scare” that scares them shitless.
** “They hit their breaking point.” “It’s not sustainable” they say.**
Step 6: Reinvention
The “wake up call” “health scare” or “hitting breaking point” is an irreversible “awakening experience” that jerks them into “reinventing” their life to make it more sustainable. The reinvention is simply a re-prioritisation of the worlds. They exit the external material world, turn their gaze inward and cross a threshold to “reclaim” the repressed parts of their inner world; their lost “real self” along with the unlived life within them. There is a “coming home” and “returning” to themselves. Their inner world now becomes a new source of direction, purpose and meaning for the second half of their life. With this new inner world now steering the ship, life is more sustainable.
That’s pretty much it.
Curious for a closer look at the 6 steps and why the breaking point is actually necessary? Read on.
12 minute read
Step 1: External World Focus
For most of these men’s lives there’s been an exclusive focus on the external world; the pursuit of success. The external world of success steers the ship, rather than the internal world. External directed, rather than self-directed.
The external world focus can be summed up with a simple A-B-C model. Climbing the career ladder (A) which provides a luxury lifestyle (B) that gains the approval of others (C) = Success.
Generally, this whole process is subconscious.
(A) Climbing the career ladder
Men’s goals in climbing the career ladder are about achievement, advancement, constant progress, conquering, proving themselves, being recognised, winning, building competence, “getting ahead,” moving upwards as swiftly as possible and earning a high rank.
The day-to-day fuel that drives their swift rise up the ladder is working long hours, carrying a heavy workload, working at an ever expanding level, “getting things done,” competing for promotions, battling conflict, dealing with high pressure, withstanding demanding expectations, and performing gruelling work without complaining, showing weakness, quitting or giving up.
What they show along the way is high internally driven expectations of themselves; they demand high performance. They may describe themselves as “a perfectionist” “driven” “a type-a personality” or “a workaholic.”
The result after following this trajectory up the career ladder for 15-30 years, is that by the age of 35-55, they’re in a high-level role with high “professional status”—manager, senior, associate, partner, executive, director, CEO or on a board. This has given them power, influence, prestige, reputation, respect, importance, superiority and credibility. By all accounts, they have a successful professional career.
Climbing the career ladder (A) provides the luxury lifestyle (B).
(B) Provide the luxury lifestyle
For the men, they commonly chase some form of luxury lifestyle. This typically looks like: wealth, financial freedom, high-end house, live in a wealthy suburb, having a holiday house, having a nanny, their wife raises the kids and doesn’t have to work, kids going to private schools, having a personal assistant, getting VIP access, member of exclusive private clubs or sports stadiums, flying first or business class, platinum credit cards, high status / high profile friends, art collections, fine dining, cocktail parties, luxury exotic holidays, elite sporting goods, beautiful homewares, investment properties, luxury cars, yachts/boats and the latest fashion.
What the men are chasing in the luxury lifestyle, is actually “status symbols.” Status symbols are objects, possessions or accomplishments of assigned value that act as visible, external symbols to indicate their social status and rank on the social ladder i.e. their position in the social hierarchy. They also act as cues to others and the public that dictate how they should be treated, whether they are an authority, where they are expected to live and what kinds of societal positions they are expected to hold. The value of the status symbol is based on uniqueness, novelty, expense, exclusivity, and rarity. A good status symbol is a “limited edition.” But, the ultimate status symbol is a “one of a kind”—nobody else has anything like it.
The bigger his collection of status symbols, the higher social status he holds in society, and the more at the top of the social ladder he is.
Climbing the career ladder (A) and the luxury lifestyle (B) is constructed in order to gain approval from others (C).
(C) Gain approval from others
The approval of others comes in many forms, some more visible; some invisible and hidden. But the approval of others commonly includes four main areas: parents, partner/wife, work/job and social. The approval from others looks like:
Parents
Making their parents “proud” of them
Succumbing to their parent's ambitions for them and “not letting them down”
Living up to their parents expectations
Choosing a career that makes their parents happy
Choosing a job or career that represents their fathers values
Completing a parents thwarted career dreams
Submitting to family pressure to do something sensible and let go of that “impractical’ dream”
Following in their parents footsteps
Partner/Wife
Keeping their partner or wife happy
Being the sole financial provider or “the breadwinner”
Meeting “obligations”
Work/Job
Chasing professional career achievements, accolades, qualifications, titles and awards to validate themselves
Choosing a career that society has deemed respectful and successful for a man
Seeking recognition, respect and acknowledgement from their company, professional institutions or their boss
Socially
To “be somebody”’, to be famous, or achieve public or professional recognition
Being accepted into exclusive social groups or clubs
Meeting the image of what they “should” or “ought” to be
Being the “nice guy” and pleasing others
Getting 10,000 followers on Instagram
Being accepted, important, liked, admired and of high “social status” in others and societies eyes.
Success
The sum of (A) the high professional status, plus (B) the luxury lifestyle, plus (C) being of high social status, equates to what ‘society’ would call successful.
Step 2: Repressed Internal World
Superficially their life looks great. They’re successful! But, under the surface, the success comes at a tremendous cost. This cost can be summed up in two processes.
First process
In order to be successful, they become who other people want them to be. In climbing the career ladder (A) there is an “altering” of their identity to suit their position and title. Eventually, their job ends up defining them. They develop an identity as a “successful person” and their identity revolves around excellence in their job. The external presentation of this identity is “looking” smart, strong, competent or perfect. In the lifestyle (B) there is buying status symbols to represent an “ideal image” of who they want people to think they are. In the approval of others (C) there is a manufacturing of a “facade” that gains high-fives from others. In other words, they “pretend” to be happy and successful.
These are gradual deviations that over 15-30 years “convert” them from who they are into who other people want them to be. They wind up becoming a “cardboard cut-out” version of themselves or they “play a character.” In other words, they become a “false self.”
Their self-worth, their value as a man, then becomes tied to being this “false self.” Their self-worth becomes based in the “false self’s” performance, productivity, money and rank. These are all metrics or measurables via tier of company, title, salary, work hours, KPI’s, unused sick days, unused long service leave and bank balance. In other words, they are “measures of worth.” The better the “false self” performs, the more productive the “false self” is, the more money the “false self” gets paid and the higher rank the “false self” holds, the more worthy they feel. They end up being trapped in the “false self” in order to obtain their sources of worth.
Second process
The second process is a result of the first. And that is; to be who other people want them to be, to become the “false self”, they have to shut off who they are.
Subconscious
Both processes happen subconsciously. They don’t even realise it’s happening. The outcome is a trade-off of internal wants, feelings, values and needs in favour of the the career, the money, the lifestyle, the approval of others and the success. The internal world subconsciously becomes “sacrificed” “orphaned” “repressed” or “disowned.” Who they are is forfeited as a necessary consequence of the external success. The feelings from the internal world are still there. They pop up like a jack in the box, but they’re quickly wrestled back down and the lid closed. The internal voice speaks, but it is ignored—zipped shut.
The result
The sum of this means that there is a “shutting off” of their authentic “real self.” When this happens, men may be described as “a closed book” “stoic” “he keeps to himself” or “the strong, silent type.” The end result of living the “false self” and repressing the “real self”, is that as Steven Pressfield says in The War of Art, they end up having two lives: the life they live, and the unlived life within them.
Step 3: Stress
The imbalance of the prioritised external world, the “false self”, and sacrificed internal world, the “real self”, causes financial, job, relational and personal stress.
Financial stresses
The desire for the lifestyle means they’ve bought things on credit that they cant afford. Now there is the financial stresses of paying back credit or paying off debt—mortgage repayments, investment property repayments, credit cards, after-pay, holidays, car finance repayments and homewares finance.
All this stacked on top of daily living costs—raising kids, putting food on the table, bills and school fees.
There is the panic to earn more money. The thought is “I need to earn $10,000 a month after tax just to pay the mortgage.” Now comes the stresses of trying to get promotions to increase salary, coercing the bonus system or putting pressure on the boss to get a pay rise. Then every month stressing if they can pay all the bills.
Job stresses
Behind the high-level roles lie hidden but powerful dynamics.
The more they get paid, the more their company believe they own them. This leaves them open to the whims of their company; being made to meet unreasonable work hours, meet unrealistic expectations or meet “made up” deadlines. These uncontrollable demands send stress levels through the roof.
Their success and money is dependent on and “tied to” their company. They cannot risk being fired. The success and money would be gone which would snowball into huge ramifications in loss of lifestyle and potential “failure” in the eyes of others. This fear of loss forces them to submit to authority, try to please others and become obedient. They essentially become trapped in a job to maintain their success. But a consequence of this is that they have to tolerate being wrongly or unfairly treated or being made to do morally unjust things. Not feeling like they can “speak up” and assert themselves based on their values or morals causes significant stress. In other words, they “compromise their integrity for a pay check.”
The high-level roles “don’t fit” their personality. They can’t be themselves. They may naturally be a shy, easy going, introverted guy, but these roles are full of conflict, competition, aggression and high-pressure. The opposite of their true nature. Every day they have the stress of trying to be someone they’re not. This elaborate effort to support a false front is one of the most stressful things a man can do.
They’re bored. They are not really interested in the content of their work. What they’re interested in is excelling itself.
In the high-level roles competition is rife. There is a concern for “being viewed” as inadequate, weak, incompetent or ineffective if they “can’t cut it.” And if they “can’t cut it” there is the looming reality of being quickly replaced by someone else who can.
Relational stresses
The successful career has a detrimental side; it may come at the expense of their marriage and kids. Their wife may then say things like, “you’re not present with me.” “You don’t know what it’s like for me being alone with the kids.” You’re prioritising work over me.” The stress builds with the wife and kids which may end in separation or divorce. By age 40-55 they may even be in their third marriage and their kids don’t speak to them.
To meet the approval and expectations of others, to “keep everyone happy” they put themselves last—putting others needs before their own. This sets up a cycle of subconscious “self-sabotaging” “undermining” or “self-defeating” behaviours. Men may describe, “feeling responsible for others” “keeping the peace” “I try to avoid conflict” “I have difficulty saying no.”
In their marriage or relationship, there may be a trade-off. They may be unhappy, but will “stay together” putting on an idyllic relationship facade for the kids, for their parents, for social status or fear from the disapproval of others that it didn’t work out.
Personal stresses
The piling up of the financial, job and relationship stresses causes significant personal stress.
Men say “my life feels out of control” “I feel trapped” “I feel powerless” “I’m just maintaining the status quo” “I’m tied to a treadmill.”
They feel “alone” “inadequate” or “bored.”
They are “locked in a lifestyle” or “suffocated by their lifestyle”
They may feel like they are “playing a character” or “following a script” in life.
There is no freedom, purpose or meaningful contribution. There is a deep sense that “something's missing.”
They may say “Look at all these things I have. I shouldn’t feel bad or depressed or not want to go to work.”
But, deep down they feel “empty” “hollow” “vacant” or “dead” inside.
Step 4: The Escape
Now they want a way to escape all this shit. And the perfect mechanisms of escape are: shopping, alcohol, binge drinking, junk food, binge watching TV, gambling, smoking, vaping, affairs, partying, drugs, working even harder aka the “workaholic” or exercise addiction.
It starts off as an autopilot smoke, vape or few beers or wines every night to “take the edge off.” But, as the tolerance builds, and the stresses pile up, they need a way to release it. Fridays nights they “need to let off steam.”
In the extremes, they’re getting “battered” “blind” “wasted” “hammered” at every available occasion. One client calls this “blowing themselves up.” There’s a seeking of total oblivion. To, for a moment completely forget about the life they live.
The best things about this, is that it works! At least for a while.
Step 5: Physical Health Problems
The body keeps the score
But, over the 15-30 years of this pattern repeating, the body is physically keeping the score. Like a counter on a score board continuously clocking up all the points—the long work hours, meeting high expectations at work, carrying a heavy work load, financial stresses, job stresses, relational stresses, the physical depletion from the escape mechanisms, the hangovers. Tick, tick, tick, the score keeps clocking up.
Initial warning signs
As the score builds, the body sends out initial warning signs that there is something wrong with the picture of their life. The initial warning signs are things like: feeling rundown, physical fatigue, feeling “physically shot,” lost mojo, low energy, burnout, not sleeping, increased irritability and anger, hives, skin rashes, stomach pains, acid reflux, diarrhea, shingles, pneumonia, headaches, migraines, weight gain, high blood pressure, high cholesterol.
But they’re not allowed to say to themselves “I can’t do this.” They believe they can’t quit, give up or complain. So they push through—they tell themselves “she’ll be right mate” “get over it.” They pop some painkillers, take some supplements, take a few days off work and carry on; back to the same job with the same stresses. The subconscious thought is that the body is expendable—just a vessel used to achieve their goals. At this point, the body is not even considered that it could be affected by the dynamics of their life. In other words, driven on the road to success there is an utter disregard for themselves, for their best interests or their health. The warning signs are ignored, and they can be ignored for years.
Major warning signs
But, at some point between the ages of 35-55, the body says no! by way of major warning signs; things like gut disorders, stomach ulcers, neck pain, shoulder pain, hip pain, lower back pain, osteoporosis, arthritis, heart disease or a heart attack. The stern warning from the body is “You’re not listening to me mate. Fuck you. I’m going to stop you.” It’s an urgent “wake up call” or “health scare” that scares them shitless.
“It’s not sustainable”
They’ve “hit their breaking point.” They realise they can’t keep going on the way they have been. Their physical body will not allow them to continue. The external demands have exceeded their bodies physical capacity to cope. They are forced to stop and consider what they’ve been denying or ignoring. “Something’s gotta change” they say to themselves. “It’s not sustainable.”
You may wonder why the body and not the mind. Well, I’ve noticed even with depression or anxiety, the tendency is to push through. It’s only when the body physically stops them in their tracks does the “wake-up call” finally happen.
Step 6: Reinvention
Consequences
They look at the consequences of carrying on by asking themselves:
“Will I get to 65 and be physically broken?”
“Will I even be able to see my kids graduate or get married?”
They come to the conclusion that “its not worth it.”
Now comes the reinvention, renovation or recalibration of their life to make it more sustainable.
Responsibility
The first thing they do is to take “responsibility” for the fact that the situation they’re now in is the result of the choices “they” have made. This is a bitter pill to swallow. There is nothing or no one to blame. The second thing, is the realisation that the only person that can get them out of this situation is them. Now they grab life by the scruff of the neck and do something about it.
Re-prioritisation of the Worlds
Reinvention is simply a switching or re-prioritisation of the worlds. Instead of the priority on the external world, the internal world now takes centre stage. Here is a “road map” of what reinvention looks like in action.
External World
They realise that the relentless pursuit of societies definition of success is a cul-de-sac, and that the meaning in their life must be derived from a deeper inner source. In other words, the external world is incapable of providing meaning and purpose. So, they have no choice but to follow the only direction left: inward. So, in order to turn inward they let go of the external world of success: the money, wealth, status, prestige, title, safety, security, lifestyle and the approval of others. In short, they let go of the old version of themselves, their old identity, their “false self.” There is a “stripping” “de-layering” or “peeling off” of the character that everyone else wanted them to play. They essentially, throw away the script.
Internal World
They cultivate their sacrificed inner world; they “find out about themselves” and get to know “who they are.” In the process, they discover their natural personality, interests, values, gifts and abilities. They discover their lost “real self.” They begin “rebuilding” their own entirely new identity. This internal world provides new signs of location and a new source of direction. The sum of this is an increasing of the internal world and a decreasing of the external world. The internal world now steers the ship, rather than the external. Self-directed, rather than external directed.
The re-prioritisation of the worlds reduces stress, the escape mechanisms and physical health problems.
Stress
Financial: They realise that the key to happiness is not riches or wealth, but it is in fact having control of their time. Not having control of their time was a key factor that increased stress. They used their wealth to buy bigger and better stuff. But, while this got high-fives from others, they simultaneously gave up more control of their time. As such, they felt stressed even though they were richer than ever. So, now they go through a process of shedding stuff. They pay off debt/credit and reduce expenses to the bare minimum. They learn to be happy with less money, live below their means and keep their lifestyle expectations in check.
Job: They may take a career holiday or “time-out.” This eliminates the external work demands—the deadlines, the workload, the expectations, Its all gone. Without the demands, they have the head space to get some clarity on life.
Relational: They start putting themselves first. They “find their voice” and begin to say “NO!” or “that’s not okay” and construct tighter boundaries. They have more time to be present with their wife and kids. They say “I’m doing the drop-off’s and pick-ups from school now.” They realise what they’re been missing out on. Alternatively they may decide to separate.
Personal: They feel empowered, free, liberated.
The Escape
Without the stresses they say, “I just haven't felt like drinking.”
Physical Health Problems
They notice the weight fall off. They say, “I cant believe it. In 4 months off I’ve lost 9 kg’s without doing a thing.”
They say things like “I’m back playing five-a-side soccer.”
They start doing yoga, breath work or meditation.
They feel alive.
The reinvention adds up to making life more sustainable.
But what does sustainable really mean?
Making Life More Sustainable
Imagine a footy player training every day and playing games 7-days-a-week. How long would he last without getting injured? Not long! Why? Because he had no time to recover. It seems obvious. But we forget this. We think we can go-go-go, high performing, outputting the work for 70-80 hours a week for 20 to 30 years and our body will just keep up. But it cant. It’s not possible. Just like the footy player, our bodies give out.
Sustainability is about resources. You take resources out. But to make resources “sustainable” - to maintain them at a certain level, you need to put resources back or allow stocks to replenish naturally.
For these men (and me), the lead up to the “its not sustainable-breaking point” was about extracting maximum resources (energy) from the body to fuel life. But, there was a missing or inadequate replenishment of stocks back to the body. There wasn’t enough rest, recharge, recovery and repair. In other words, there was a lot of taking from the cup and not filling the cup. So over time, resources were not put back into the body or the stocks of energy didn’t have the time to replenish naturally. Consequently the body said no! “It’s not sustainable.” Just like the footy player, we end up injured.
What men did after the “its not sustainable-breaking point” was to reduce the extraction of resources from the body and spend more time replenishing stocks. They balanced out the equation with an equal taking from the cup and an equal filling of the cup.
In other words, they spent more time looking after themselves; they slowed down, they took more time to rest, recover and lived a more leisurely balanced pace of life.
Why Men Hitting Their Breaking Point is Actually Necessary
Seeking approval from the external world
Writing this blog made me recognise just how conditioned we are to seek approval from the external word. It made me wonder, why?
It turns out that it’s simple human psychology based on our evolutionary need to survive. As a child, if we met our parents approval, we felt safe. Survival box ticked. Hoo rah. But, disapproval from our parents meant the opposite—fear, danger and isolation. Survival box left blank. Shit. What our brains subconsciously, on autopilot did in that moment was a miraculous thing. They devised a plan that said, “If I do what my parents want me to do, I will survive” and “If I don’t do what my parents want me to do, I will die.” Damn those baby brains were smart.
Approval became linked with survival.
Development of the “false self”
Well, we survived, but there was a price to pay; we became who our parents wanted us to be. We developed a likeable personality that met our parent’s approval. In other words, we began to play a “character” and follow a script that got the smiles and nods; the early signs of the developing “false self.” But, to play the “false self” meant we had to shut off who we are. This might sound alarming, but it’s true. It’s true for everyone to some degree. We sacrifice authenticity for the need for approval. The internal world, the authentic “real self” is sacrificed in favour of the approval from the external world. All in the name of survival. This conditioning set us up to subconsciously repeat this process of shutting off who we are and being who other people want us to be all throughout life. It feels normal. The physical health problems in midlife are often the first thing that alert us to this imbalance.
Revealing the man beneath the “false self”
So what I’m saying is, the “it’s not sustainable-breaking point” is actually a normal part, or even a necessary requirement of a man’s developmental journey. We need the “breaking point” as a catalyst to do a “U-turn” and live a different life. We need that breaking point to instigate the stripping of the “false self” and to shed those scales.
In other words, the breaking point is necessary to reveal the man who lies beneath the false self.
Without it, we’d just carry on regardless.
These quotes say it all.
“Its such a strange thing about us, as creatures, that we have to hit bottom or face our mortality, that we have to come to the end of what we thought we knew, where our capacities give out, to often grow and deepen in ways that were not accessible to us before. Unless we feel our own breaking, it is hard to grow.”
- Krista Tippett On Being: Krista Tippett with Kate Bowler (@34 mins in)
“Psychiatrists tell me that so often men who come to see them about feeling ‘stuck’ or ‘in a rut’ cannot allow themselves to make a change, not even when their wives are pushing and coaching. Some men literally have to break down - have a physical blowout or a mental plunge into depression - before they can give themselves permission to make a major change.”
- Gail Sheehy Passages in Men’s Lives - New Directions for Men at Midlife