We Are Hard-Wired to Climb the Social Ladder, But it Actually Makes us Unhappy
All of us in some way wants:
To have the title “director” “senior” “associate” or “CEO”
To get a corner office
To hang our qualifications on the wall
To have a big income
To have a beautiful spouse
To drive a Porsche Cayenne
To live in the perfect house
For our kids to go to private schools
To have 10,000 followers on Instagram
To sip Pina Colada’s cruising on our yacht
Why?
Because these things display our status at the top of the social ladder. And the top of the ladder gets us success, prestige, respect, importance, fame and power.
Deep down we all want that stuff because we believe it will make us happy.
But, the truth is, it doesn’t.
In this blog I’m going to lay out:
That we are hard-wired for status and hard-wired to climb the social ladder.
How the social ladder works.
How we assess each others place on the social ladder.
That heading to the top of the ladder chasing “junk status” can lead to unhappiness.
How to choose a “healthy status” happier path.
Strap in for a ride into the social world.
8 minute read
We Are Hard-Wired For Status
“There’s no escaping status. We’re hardwired to be aware of it, to monitor it, to seek it, and to feel pained when forced to surrender it. Neurons fire and hormones are released whenever we lose or gain status. It’s an involuntary process that we share with our caveman ancestors.”
Let’s dip into a bit of evolution.
Humans are members of the great apes. Great apes include chimpanzees, gorillas and orang-utans.
“Our closest living relative is the chimpanzee. 6 million years ago, a single female ape had two daughters. One became the ancestor of all chimpanzees, the other is our own grandmother.”
For 6 million years of evolution we’ve lived in tribes.
The higher your “status” in the tribe:
The more power you had to control lower ranks
The better your access to food and water
The more protection you had from the lower ranks from threat
All of which meant the better you chance of reproductive success.
And reproductive success is vital for “survival.”
The sum of this means that for 6 million years, our brain has been hard-wired with a single overriding message:
High status = Survival.
“This was, and remains, the secret to maximising our capacity for survival: The higher we rise, the more likely we are to live, love and procreate.”
It seems status is important!!
“The brain sizes up the social setting before acting on it’s urge to feed. In this sense, status-consciousness is more primal than hunger.”
- I, Mammal: How to Make Peace With the Animal Urge For Social Power
It appears that our brains evolutionary default setting is to think “status first.”
We Are Hard-Wired to Climb the Social Ladder
Today, we follow the same evolutionary wiring.
But, today we are hard-wired to seek status, not in a primitive tribe, but in a more modern version of a social hierarchy - “The Social Ladder.”
“Researchers have found evidence that our brains may actually be hard-wired for hierarchy. We are primed to climb the social ladder. We may be wired to value the "top dog" over the people who rank below us. Because social rank is so important, certain [brain] regions do seemed to be wired to interpret it.”
- ABC News
Climbing the the social ladder is that hard-wired, that we often don’t realise we’re doing it.
“Our brains continually, and in countless ways, measure where we sit versus other people. They automatically layer them and the groups they belong to into hierarchies. Most of these processes are subconscious, and hidden from us.”
We climb the ladder on autopilot. So, subconsciously it influences every decision of our lives. Even if we don’t think it does.
“The social hierarchy has a huge influence on us -- on how we act, whom we spend time with, even where we go and what we buy.”
- ABC News
From going for promotions, to making more money, to where you go for dinner, to buying a washing machine, to who you hang out with, to renovating your house, to where you go on holiday, to choosing a career, to what car you drive, to where you live and where your kids go to school; Is all subconsciously influenced by status on the social ladder.
The desire to change our status, or to protect it, drives almost everything we do.
What is The Social Ladder?
The social ladder is an invisible unspoken social hierarchy.
It’s all around us.
We just don’t talk about it.
Status is the hidden (but obvious) driver of all elements of culture.
Looking closer, the social ladder is learned. From an early age we internalise subconscious “programming” from family, school, television shows, ads, billboards, movies and newspapers that determines who fits where, who has what and who can do what in society.
Then, as we grow up we subconsciously adhere to this programming in every decision of our lives to maintain the social order.
“Even in the most mundane and seemingly even-footed interactions, we are signalling (often without being aware of it) our self-perceived status to others and observing their signals too in order to determine our respective place in that social hierarchy.”
It’s not that I support the social ladder, I’m just pointing out the underlying nature of society.
How Does The Social Ladder Work?
“Status symbols tell us and our co-players how we’re performing. We pay obsessive attention to them. We need to: unlike a computer game, there’s no definitive scoreboard in human life. We can never see precisely where players sit versus us in the rankings. We can only sense it from symbols to which we’ve attached particular values.”
Step 1 - Status Symbols
“Status symbols” are the input. They are objects, possessions or accomplishments of assigned value that act as visible, external symbols to indicate your social status and rank on the social ladder i.e. your position in the social hierarchy.
They also act as cues to others and the public that dictate how you should be treated, whether you are an authority, where you are expected to live and what kinds of societal positions you are expected to hold.
The value of the status symbol is based on uniqueness, novelty, expense, exclusivity, and rarity. A good status symbol is a “limited edition.” But, the ultimate status symbol is a “one of a kind” - nobody else has anything like it.
The things I identify as status symbols are:
Qualifications: Degree’s, PhD’s
Climbed career ladder
Big title: Doctor, Surgeon, Psychologist, Barrister, Lawyer, CEO, Director, Senior, Manager, Associate.
Big income: $120k+
Investment properties, stocks, shares
Nice cars: Ferrari, Porsche, Merc, Audi, BMW, Range Rover, Tesla.
Mortgage and being “on the property ladder.”
Live in a wealthy suburb
Married
Kids and how well the kids do
Kids at private schools
Having a “nanny”
Holiday house
Exotic holidays
Member of sports or country clubs
Member of professional bodies
Platinum credit cards
Flying first or business class and access to airport lounges
Getting VIP access
High status / high profile friends
Attractiveness
Staying youthful
Clothes, fashion and jewellery.
Step 2 - The Social Ladder
Status symbols determine your social status and rank on the social ladder.
The bigger your collection of status symbols, the higher social status you hold in society and the more at the top of the social ladder you are.
The smaller your collection of status symbols, the lower social status you hold in society and the more at the bottom of the social ladder you are.
Step 3 - Worth
Worth is the output. It’s what you get or how you benefit from your status on the social ladder.
“Status leads to greater power and influence. Because high status individuals attract people and attention and have a large social network, they’re in a position to be much more persuasive and influential than low status individuals.”
The higher social status you hold and the more at the top of the social ladder you are, the more prestige, fame, power, influence, attention and authority you have and the more successful, valid, accepted, respected, important and “worthy” you are in others and societies eyes.
In short:
The higher your status on the social ladder, the more you matter to society.
The lower your status on the social ladder, the less you matter to society.
The Crux Of It
So, a high status on the social ladder:
In societies eyes is directly linked to your worth and value as a human
and In your evolutionary hard-wiring is directly linked to survival.
Examples
Here are a couple of examples to lay this out.
High status Example: Imagine a Lawyer at a prestigious firm. He studied Law at a top university and worked hard to climb the career ladder. He now has a big house in a reputable suburb, is married and has his-and-hers Mercedes. They have two kids, both at elite private schools and have a holiday house at the beach.
We instinctively ‘know’ this person has a higher status, a higher place on the social ladder, is more respected and matters more in societies eyes. He’s: “very important” “taken seriously” and “deserves respect.”
Lower status Example: Imagine a waiter at a local cafe. He has no qualifications or career ladder. He has no kids, no private schools, no holiday house. He’s renting in a lower socio-economic area, is divorced and rides a bike to work.
We instinctively ‘know’ this person has a lower status, a lower place on the social ladder, is less respected and matters less in societies eyes. He may be: “dismissed” “belittled” “ignored” or “demeaned.”
"We pay more attention to the superior person than the inferior person."
- ABC News
It’s sad to think this is how it is.
But the truth is, it is.
‘Subscribing’ To The Social Ladder
It’s easy to see now why this makes us fiercely climb the social ladder.
“Social status seems to be the most important incentive and motivating force of social behaviour.”
Society tells us our value as a human depends on it and we believe our survival depends on it.
So, we are conditioned from birth into believing that to be ‘valued as a human’ in societies eyes and to survive we must subscribe to and climb the social ladder.
The simple messaging is: the higher your place on the social ladder, the higher your value as a human and the better your chances of survival.
If that’s not enough, there is the social pressure to subscribe. When are you going to have kids? Get married? Get a real job?
So, at great haste we subscribe, start getting status symbols and climb the ladder.
We:
Enter the property market
Get married
Work hard to get promotions
Get a new Range Rover
Strive endlessly to increase the size of our bank balance
Study for a PhD
Desire living in a wealthier suburb
Try to impress people
This does though, set us up to judge each others collections of status symbols, acquire status symbols at the expense of others and aggressively out do each other in competition for a place higher up the social ladder.
How We Assess Each Others Place on the Social Ladder
“Our brains have a built-in “sociometer” that is constantly scanning our respective social worlds to figure out how others perceive us and where we fit into the hierarchy at any given moment.”
This “sociometer” is made up of different areas of our brain.
“A part of the brain called the parahippocampal gyrus is involved in social sorting. It helps us do something called "contextual processing" -- basically, figuring out where something or someone fits into our world. Another brain region, the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, also helps us interpret rank.”
- ABC News
The “sociometer” works in six ways.
First, by scanning others
Our brain automatically “scans” someone (taking in what they wear or the way they speak), like the way the Terminator does in Terminator 2.
It calculates their estimated status symbol collection. Then our brain instantly compares their symbol collection to our collection to determine our relative social status - whether we are above or below them on the social ladder.
Our brain then adjusts our behaviour to suit the determined status. “Do we talk to them or not?”
Second, by observing
In the workplace, we “observe” - who talks to who, who goes to drinks with the boss, who gets the promotions, who gets the parking spot closest to the office. We determine from watching these interactions, where we fit on the social ladder.
Third, by asking questions
At social events, weddings, work or at the pub we “locate” each other on the social ladder by asking questions “What do you do?” “Do you have kids?” “Are you married?” In our minds, we are collecting status symbols together and determining our relative social ladder status as we hear the responses to each question.
Fourth, by talking about or showing photos of our status symbols
At parties, at the cafe or at work on a Monday morning, we take a status symbol from our collection and see if someone’s got a better one. “We went to our beach house for the weekend.” “Look at these pictures of us and the kids on our beach holiday” “I took the new Rangey for a fang on the weekend.” Boom. No one’s got a better story. The result: I’m a higher status.
Fifth, by showing our status symbols aka “Peacocking”
Rocking up to work, a party or an event in the new Porsche Cayenne. Instant social ladder ranking.
Sixth, social media
In the real world, our status on the social ladder is subjective. People have to try and work it out. It’s messy.
But, with social media it’s measurable. Likes and followers are “measurements of your status.”
“Social media ‘likes’ are highly rewarding for evolutionarily-driven reasons related to status.”
Social media is the the new “status symbol currency.” The Porsche Cayenne is old school compared to having 10,000 followers on Instagram.
Our “status driven” brain is subconsciously “hijacked” to post more beautiful photos, crazy videos or outrageous statements so we get more dings, buzz’s, hearts, likes and followers. Then it compares this to other people on social media to determine our status on the social ladder.
There are two other things I’ve noticed about the link between status and social media:
Addiction and;
Putting social media over ‘real’ people.
We may become addicted to social media. Why? Because our brain is addicted to status and social media is the latest “status symbol currency” our brain uses to measure status. The messaging in our brain is “the more social media, the more status.”
Our brain puts social media over ‘real’ people. Why? Because it put status over people. We may be sitting having dinner with our family, but we ignore them choosing instead to scan social media to check likes and followers aka our status.
Why Does The Social Ladder Cause Unhappiness?
“Our status seeking strategies sometimes undermine our own wellbeing.”
- I, Mammal: How to Make Peace With the Animal Urge For Social Power
Status is a powerful thing. We will sacrifice health, family and marriage for status. Gabor Mate, an esteemed physician and author, talks of this from personal experience.
“My own workaholism as a physician earned me much respect, gratitude, remuneration and “status” in the world, even if it undermined my mental health and my families emotional balance.”
The social ladder, by it’s nature sets us up for:
Competition
Comparison
Criticising
Judging
Demeaning
Envy
Resentment
Jealousy
Classifying people as us and them
Out doing each other
Ticking boxes
Not feeling enough
Not feeling approved of
Not Feeling worthy
Feeling insecure
Feeling inadequate
Feeling shame
Feeling never satisfied
Becoming locked in a lifestyle - trapped in a job we’re unhappy with, to pays for ‘things’
Getting into debt buying “status symbols” we can’t afford
The potential to lie, cheat and steal through fear of losing our rank
Feeling pressure to maintain social approval
Working in stressful jobs for years just to earn a title
Working in careers we don’t like just to maintain our status
Does any of that sound like it makes us happy?
How To ‘Unsubscribe’ From The Social Ladder
So, if the social ladder makes us unhappy, how do we unsubscribe from the social ladder?
Whats important to recognise is:
“There’s nothing bad or good about the status drive itself — it’s all in how we direct it.”
There are 3 steps to unsubscribe from the social ladder.
Step 1 - Awareness
The first thing to ask yourself is - are you aware of your desire for status?
Step 2 - “Healthy Status” or “Junk Status”
Once you become aware of that, you can ask yourself, are you chasing “healthy status” or “junk status"?
“Junk status, like junk food, satisfies the craving but doesn’t supply real nourishment.”
- I, Mammal: How to Make Peace With the Animal Urge For Social Power
Much of the mainstream standard of status; the social ladder, is “junk status”; superficial “status symbol” things like looks, wealth, cars, make-up, clothes, jewellery and likes on Instagram. The list goes on. This junk status is based on power, prestige and superiority. It’s a “who eats first” or “who’s at the top of the pecking order” game.
But “healthy status” is stepping off the social ladder and seeking status markers in things that have personal inherent meaningful value.
Seth Godin describes it like this:
This is status that comes from the community. It is the status of respect in return for contribution, for caring, for seeing and being in sync with others. Especially others with no ability to repay you. This type of status is not “i’m better.” It’s “I’m connected.”
So “healthy status” is things like being recognised for your unique contributions to the world, servicing the community or writing a book.
Step 3 - Choosing the “Healthy Status” path
Once you know the difference between “healthy status” or “junk status," you can “filter” incoming status markers into “healthy status” or “junk Status” columns.
You can ask yourself - Am I doing this to gain social credits and “pats on the back” from others aka “junk status” or am I doing this because it has personal inherent meaningful value aka “healthy status”?
You can then disregard the “junk Status” and keep your focus on the “healthy status.”
When you’re making your next decision, think about “healthy status” or “junk status” with these questions:
Would you still “do it” if no one saw you doing it? Or you had no one to tell about it?
Would you still “buy it” if you had no one to show it to? Or you had no one to tell about it?
What Do I know About Status?
You might be thinking through this whole thing “boy, he’s interested in status.”
And you’d be right.
For most of my late 20’s and early 30’s I was subconsciously chasing “junk status” on the social ladder.
It looked like this:
Chased a title as a construction project manager on big jobs in the city. Tick.
Bought a flashy sports car. Tick.
Started a business coaching business. Tick.
Addicted to coaching bigger companies. Tick.
Chased bigger and bigger “day rates.” Tick.
Basked in profit shares. Tick.
Strived endlessly to increase the size of my bank balance. Tick.
Luxurious holidays. Tick.
Expensive whiskeys. Tick.
Cuban cigars. Tick.
But, by 2018, aged 34. I was miserable. In fact, I was depressed and fat.
At 34, the social pressure also became alarming. When are you going to buy a house? Get married? Have kids? Grow up? It was like I was being questioned on the stand.
I cracked. Something was wrong with my life - I was chasing “junk status.”
In 2019, aged 35, I stepped off the social ladder and took an 8 month career holiday. I turned inward and went back to school to study counselling.
By 2021, aged 37, 2 years later, I was on the “healthy status” path doing things that have personal inherent meaningful value - counselling kids in a primary school, coaching adults and counselling autistic kids.
And boy it’s a happier world I live in now.
The Process of Writing This Blog
Recently, I’ve begun to share the process for how I write blogs.
Here’s how I do it:
An idea comes to me - sometimes a 3am where In a sleep deprived slumber I write down initial ideas and concepts in a notebook. Ideas usually emerge from my existing knowledge bumping into patterns I’ve seen in the world.
The blog then is made up of existing knowledge + patterns in the world which is then filtered and told through my own direct experience.
I then explain the idea visually on one page. The visual acts like an anchor keeping me on track.
I expand on the visual, writing the bones of the blog. All by hand.
I then shut the book and leave it.
Over the next few weeks the blog surfaces in my mind sometimes on the toilet or in the shower. I “hop up or hop out” and hurry to the notebook and refine the wording.
I dive in to research to pull out evidence to support the blog concept.
At some point, the blog is 80% done and ready to type it up on my laptop. I only use a laptop for finishing. Before that It’s all by hand.
I draw up visuals using adobe spark and add photos to bring feeling to the blog.
I check the layout, fonts, wording, spelling & grammar and research/quote links.
Then I hit publish and it’s out there for the world to see.
Here are a few photos of how this blog developed.
