Aged 40 to 50 and Feeling Stuck? Chances Are You’re Caught in The “Stuck Loop”
Feeling:
Stuck?
Bored?
Trapped?
Directionless?
Aimless?
and dread the thought of doing the “same old thing” for the rest of your life?
These are all common midlife symptoms for men.
But to drop a bombshell.
If you’re feeling these things, it’s not because there is something wrong.
Quit the opposite.
It’s because there is something right.
You’re feeling stuck, bored, trapped, directionless and aimless because your Project 1 has ended.
Your symptoms are all telling you Project 1 is complete.
Now, Project 1 is done, Project 2 is on the horizon waiting for you to go lead it.
3-minute read
This blog is written based on a stereotypical scenario of a husband, wife and kids. Ages are typical.
A Mans Work Life Is Two 25 Year Projects
A mans work life can simply be divided into two 25 year projects.
Project 1: 25 years, from 20 to 45. Project objective: Security.
Project 2: 25 years, from 50 to 75. Project objective: Community.
Between the ages of 45 and 50, a man makes a natural and organic transition between Projects 1 and 2. He lets go of Security and begins to support his Community.
But at the end of Project 1, a man can get caught in a “Stuck Loop.” He may finish Project 1 early or late, so he typically gets caught in the “Stuck Loop” between 40 to 50. But in some cases he may bounce around in the “Stuck Loop” for years or even for the rest of his life.
Project 1
“For thousands of years of deeply ingrained human history, in every culture around the world, masculinity was defined by three imperatives: protect, procreate, and provide. Men have an innate drive to be useful, to be effective, to provide value to their tribe.”
A man is evolutionary hardwired to protect, procreate and provide.
For a man in today’s world, this evolutionary wiring translates to “Security.”
For the first half of a man’s life, from 20 to 45, a man is to provide security, so that he can procreate and protect his tribe.
So, the primary objective of project 1 is: Security.
He gets to work.
But like any construction project, he needs to lay “Foundations.” From the age of 20 to 30, he studies hard at university, finds a job at a good-sized company, gathers some skills, and works his way up the career ladder. By 30, the foundations are in; decent income, mid-level job, and job security. He now has “career capital” - a body of knowledge and experience that he can rely on to get a decent job and income anywhere. When the wife and kids arrive, he’s confident he can “put a roof over their heads” “pay the bills” and “put food on the table.”
Next, comes the “Build.” From the age of 30 to 40, he finds a mate, jumps on the property ladder, gets married and produces some cubs. His home becomes his fortress which he guards to protect his tribe from danger. He now has physical security. He becomes “the provider” or “breadwinner” and brings home the lions share to look after his new flock.
All the while, he hasn’t let his career out of his sight. He wanted to be successful, so from 30 to 40, he’s battled competition, and worked hard to “get ahead” and earn a high rank. He’s now got all the trappings of success: high-level job, upper echelon social status, big salary, comfortable lifestyle, exotic holidays and a luxury car. This has given him power, influence, prestige, reputation, respect, importance and credibility. By all accounts he’s got a successful professional career. On top of that he might have paid off the mortgage, bought a holiday house at the beach and have investments to financially secure his families future.
He’s now reached the apex of Project 1: “Achievement.” At 40 to 45, he’s achieved all his career and life goals.
He’s done well!
But there’s a problem. A big problem. A problem he didn’t see coming.
While at the 8th hole on the golf course, he thinks, “What the fu*k do I do now?”
This thought marks the end of Project 1.
And we can see why - from an evolutionary perspective he’s provided security, so that he can procreate and protect his tribe.
He’s done his job!
But there’s a catch: he doesn’t know Project 1 has ended and that he should now move on to Project 2. Hence the point of writing this blog.
So, he gets caught in the “Stuck Loop.”
Enter “Stuck Loop”
He’s achieved all his career and life goals.
But now, for the first time in his life, he doesn’t have any goals. The future looks bleak. There is “nothing to aim for!” he says to himself.
He feels utterly aimless and lost.
In a panic, he returns to what he knows “doing mode” in the “Build” phase.
He assigns himself new “Build” goals - he goes for promotions, grasps for more and more money, looks at bigger companies, renovates the house, buys more stocks & shares or buys another investment property.
But soon he hits “Achievement” again. He’s got more money, a higher rank, works at a more prestigious company, got a granny flat above the garage, has stocks in Fortune 500 companies and expands the investment property portfolio.
But it’s like he’s just adding cosmetic touches to the build.
He soon finds himself caught in the “Stuck Loop” “going round in circles” and “spinning his wheels” repeating this cycle: running out of goals - feeling aimless and lost - assigning new goals in “Build” - achieving them. Repeat.
Life becomes monotonous - it’s just “the constant treadmill” “the daily grind” and “the same old thing.”
No matter how hard he tries, he can’t get motivated.
He feels stuck, bored, trapped, directionless and aimless.
Whats happening in the “Stuck Loop” is: “Resistance.”
He is Resisting the ending of Project 1 because he doesn’t know what else to do.
He is terrified because he doesn’t have another project to go one to, so he holds on to the familiarity of Project 1.
In other words, he is stuck, bored, trapped, directionless and aimless because he is holding onto something that has actually ended.
Men can bounce around in the “Stuck Loop” for years or even for the rest of their life.
They “twiddle their thumbs” “find jobs to do” tinker on, oil, paint, renovate, clean and polish Project 1. Instead of moving on to another project.
They do this because they don’t know that there is another project for them to move on to.
That project, is Project 2.
Transition Between Projects 1 and 2
The human, as an organism is naturally and organically ‘internally’ motivated to seek growth.
For a basic example, a baby doesn’t ‘actually’ need help learning to walk. If left unattended, it will work out how to walk by itself.
Men in midlife have a similar in-built mechanism that knows when their evolutionary job is done and forces them to keep growing.
This organic growth is Project 2.
The “signs” “signals” and “inner callings” of Project 2, bubble up from under the surface.
Men say things like “I just can’t do it anymore.” “I can’t get up and do another day at the office.”
But and a big but. Men can ignore these signals.
They divert their attention back to tinkering and polishing Project 1. And they do a few more rounds back in the “Stuck Loop.”
It’s like on one hand, they get Project 2 signals pulling them down a new path, but on the other hand, Project 1 yanks them back.
But the fu*king annoying thing for them is, these Project 2 signals don’t go away. They keep bubbling up and pulling them down the new path.
What’s the saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”
Well, Project 2 is the leader and they are the horse. But in this case, Project 2 is not just leading the horse to water, it fills up a bucket of water and throws it in their face.
Here’s the kicker: if they can learn to listen to and trust the signals, aka “drink the water” a funny thing happens.
The system tips.
Project 2 becomes more powerful. They are pulled down the new Project 2 path way too far to ever go back to Project 1.
At this point, men say, “I just don’t care about money and success anymore.”
A switch in them flicks. They say, “I’m done.” “I can’t do this” “I’m not doing this anymore.”
And they let go of Project 1.
Project 1’s shelf-life has expired.
It’s the Ending of Project 1.
It’s time for Project 2.
Project 2
“In doing research for this book, I spoke at length with nearly forty people, most of whom were in their fifties and sixties, who are having the time of their lives working in their second acts. And even though they typically no longer earn what they once did, they are energised, engaged, and connected to their communities; they feel valued, are learning new skills, and know they are making a difference.”
The theme that comes up from men I work with, and the research, shows that around the age of 45 to 50, men are drawn to support their community.
But community is not the only component of Project 2. While community takes the prize for the biggest component, there are in fact two other components.
If it were a pie chart, Project 2 would be made up of:
50% Community - community involvement and support.
25% Nature - connection to nature: the bush, growing things, farming.
25% Creativity - in line with their interests. Some kind of self-expression through creativity. Like mechanics, writing, woodwork, painting, welding, cars or farming. This commonly includes a return to interests they enjoyed when they were younger with their parents and/or siblings.
For example, they start a business designing and doing kitchen renovations (creativity) in their local area (community) because they grew up helping their dad do renovations. The freedom of running their own business allows them to travel (nature). In other words, they turn their creative Interests into a career or business that supports the community that also gives them the freedom for time out in nature.
Men say things like:
“I want to “give back” to my community and other people in some way: to be useful to people; to be valuable to people; to be helpful to people; to be needed; to be of service; to make a change happen; to teach young people; to grow something; to contribute to something; to create something; to produce something; to do something I’m proud of or to make things better for people.”
“I want to find something to care about.”
“I want to make a difference and to do something that matters.”
“I want to see a real-life physical impact from my work on other people.”
“I want to do something hands-on, people focused.”
“I want to have the freedom to grow, learn new skills and develop my creative side.”
I would bet that this draw to community, is also based in our evolutionary hard wiring. It’s not hard to picture the tribe elder passing back knowledge and wisdom that he’s gathered in the first half of his life to benefit the rest of the community.
So, for the second half of a man’s life, from 50-75, a man is to support his community.
So, the primary objective of Project 2 is: Community.
He gets to work.
He might buy a farm; raise cattle; move to a country town; run fly fishing charters; become a celebrant; grow and sell fruit; be a writer; coach basketball; do up and sell cars; be a teacher, trainer or instructor; work for a non-profit; run events; do wood working groups; volunteer; become a handyman; be a consultant; or run bush skills courses.
Over the next 25 years, he goes through the same process of laying the “Foundations” “Building” and then “Achieving” Project 2.
The Takeaway
If you’re aged 40 to 50 and feeling stuck, bored, trapped, directionless and aimless, chances are it’s because your Project 1 is complete and your caught in the “Stuck Loop.”
To get out of the “Stuck Loop,” let go of Project 1.
Project 2 is waiting for you to go lead it.
You may not be able to picture it, but it’s there.
Take the leap and go find it.
