Coaching Model / Phase 2
Phase 2 - Recalibrate
Phase 2 offers you tools and strategies to recalibrate your work and life to make you happier.
“I have to go to work all the time so I can save enough money so my kids can go to work all the time so that they can have enough money so their kids can work all the time. Where did that deal come from? We need to turn off the television, move to a smaller house if necessary, buy a used car and take the money to buy free time to raise our kids.”
Now I have understood your situation in phase 1, it’s likely there is some sort of imbalance in your life. Typically, this imbalance looks like being overloaded in your Work/Career/Job and not enough time left for anything else. In other words, you’re “stretched too thin.” In seeking relief from your current stresses and unrelenting work demands, It’s normal to want to “escape”, to exit abruptly or start talking to recruiters about getting another job with a similar company. But, this doesn’t resolve your issues. First, as one client, who had a tendency for compulsively working long hours, said to me, “If I don’t retrain my long hours mindset in this job, I’ll just take it to my next job.” And second, exiting means you risk losing the security, stability and income of your current role. Both of which can set you back in the long run.
Creating Balance
So, this phase is about a different strategy. It’s based on short term “recalibrations” “practical adjustments” or “modifications” to “dial back” your work situation to create more balance while your still in your current job. The balance then frees up “breathing space” and time to attend to yourself, your health and the people in your life, ultimately making you happier.
Midlife Career Reinvention: if you choose to reinvent your career by following phases 3, 4 and 5, phase 2 gives you the “breathing space” to make bigger career reinvention decisions - to develop a long term plan (phase 3), to process what you need to let go of (phase 4) and to explore what your next thing is (phase 5). Reinvention clients have described this phase as “I’m physically present going through the motions at work, but mentally I’ve exited and I’m on to my next thing.” Phase 2 is crucial. If you don’t do phase 2, you wont have the time and energy for the rest. In other words, phase 2 is the key that opens the door to reinvention.
Creating balance starts with “Bucket Levelling.”
“Bucket Levelling”
You only have so much time and energy split across different areas of your life. I call these areas “buckets.” There are typically five buckets: (1) Work/Career/Job; (2) Yourself; (3) Wife/Partner/Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Husband; (4) Kids and; (5) Social. But, I’ve noticed with men the buckets aren’t evenly distributed. Because a mans work provides his sense of success, identity and worth the (1) Work/Career/Job bucket, whether men like to admit it or not, has it’s own side of the balance scale. All other buckets sit on the opposite side. Here is where “bucket levelling” comes in. Every week we check in on level of the (1) Work/Career/Job bucket to see if we need to take some time and energy out and distribute it to other buckets in order to create balance in your life.
Bucket levelling is assisted by taking responsibility, saying no and putting yourself first, not repeating the same patterns, communicating your needs, and experiments.
Taking Responsibility
No positive change can occur in your life as long as you think the problem is “out there.” If you believe that the cause of your life situation is because of others; the demanding and unsupportive boss, a partner that likes expensive things, piled up credit card debt, long work hours and a corporation that treats you unfairly, then your situation will never change. The problem is not “out there”, it’s “in here.”
“Taking Responsibility” is what moves you from “out there” to “In here.” Responsibility shows up in our language. For a simple example, someone might say“it’s been a busy day.” But this is an “out there” statement; someone else has caused the busyness. Taking responsibility sounds like “I kept myself busy” which is probably more the truth. They made the “choice” to keep busy. This statement moves it “in here.” Now they’re responsible for their busyness and can do something about it.
So, the first thing for you to do is to take “responsibility” for the fact that the situation you’re now in is the result of choices “you” have made. Even if you’ve failed to choose, that’s still a choice. There is nothing or no one to blame. “I have caused this situation” you may say to yourself. This is a bitter pill to swallow. But now like the “i kept myself busy” example, you can do something about it. You’ve owned your situation, which gives you the power to get out of it. In short, you got yourself in it this situation and you’re the only person that can get you out of it.
Saying No and Putting Yourself First
Typically, most men put the (1) Work/Career/Job bucket first. One of the reasons why is that on some level they havn’t learnt how to say no. So, here I look at how you can start “finding your voice” and “put yourself first.” This includes: Learning to saying “no” to work demands and expectations, asking for what you want, resetting work boundaries, telling your boss you’re at capacity, re-organising your priorities, taking back time for you, and not doing things just because you “should” or “ought” to or “because your worried what others will think of you.”
Not Repeating The Same Patterns
The phase 1 identified “ingrained mindset patterns” in many cases, without your awareness, keep you putting time and energy into the (1) Work/Career/Job bucket. I will work with you on “recalibrating them” so you “don’t repeat the same patterns” and “fall into the same traps,” allowing you to reduce the (1) Work/Career/Job bucket. I provide practical “tools, tips and resources” so you can understand more about these patterns, how they got there and how to insert a “circuit breaker” to break them.
Communicating Your Needs
Humans have inherent needs. There are core biological needs like safety, security, protection and attachment. Then there are life needs like freedom, control, respect, autonomy, connection, support, fairness, belonging, contribution, creativity, time, purpose and meaning. But, I find what people crave the most on a daily basis is the need to be listened to, understood and “got.”
Unsatisfied needs drive all human behaviour. Contrary to popular belief, I find men know what they feel. What they don’t know is why they feel that way. All feelings are driven by needs met or unmet. Here are some examples: I’m angry (feeling) because I don’t feel listened to (need). I’m pissed off (feeling) because I feel disrespected (need). I’m content (feeling) because I feel valued (need). Men know what they feel, but they don’t have the language to idendify the ‘need’ below the feeling. What I do is to help you with the language to describe what you need then work on strategies to “find your voice” and “communicate your needs” so that you get them met. These typically include asking for; help, support, acceptance, trust, listening to, understanding, respect and time. When your needs are met, you’ll feel happier. Nonviolent Communication is a useful read on needs.
Experiments
I then suggest “experiments” to level each bucket. We’re not setting out to make changes, we’re just making experiments. I like “experiments” (and many clients do to) as it is a way of thinking that emphasises curiosity, gathering information, exploration, discovering new info about you, trying new things and “giving things a go.” It’s about doing something, then just seeing what happens.
It’s not about pressuring yourself to get it right first time. “Experimenting” tricks your brain into thinking as if the change is more achievable. Experiments also don’t fail, and therefore you don’t fail. So, if the experiment doesn’t work, you’re free to try another that might work better for you.
To get some momentum, start with easier experiments get some easy “short term wins” and work your way up to more challenging ones. While some of these experiments will be new to you, some of the things you’ve probably done at some point before. But it’s likely you’re just “out of practice” and need to refresh your memory and remind yourself “how good it felt” doing them. Atomic Habits is a useful read while doing mindset experiments.
(1) Work/Career/Job Bucket: is all about experiments to dial back work. Step 1 work experiments are “small incremental adjustments” to “work in a different way” all inside of what you’re paid to do. It’s experimenting with simple things like “leaving work at 3pm to pick the kids up” or “knocking off at 4pm to go to the gym.” Then seeing what happens - tolerating the uncomfort of change, noticing how you feel and what others say or don’t say. If that goes well, you can try step 2 work experiments like going down to a four-day week. The four-day week creates a day’s window for flexibility, choice and freedom. “Time for yourself.” “Time to fit things in.” Other options are dropping down a level or going sideways into a different role.
(2) Yourself Bucket: is all about health, mental health, mindset, hobbies, habits, self-care and “me time.” It includes experimenting with “de-stressing in a different way” instead of heading down the pub. Things like getting down the gym, swimming, walking, healthy eating, getting massages, mindfulness courses, yoga, seeing a nutritionist, meditation, acupuncture, chiropractic or hypnosis. You then see what happens after doing it - noticing how you feel, what you liked and didn’t like. The Health Habit is a useful book to read here.
(3) Wife/Partner/Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Husband Bucket: is all about support, connection, celebration, having conversations and being present. It includes experimenting with switching off the TV or devices in the evening (which one client called “no technology Tuesday” (NTT)), rejoice in what the other person likes, doing more to help, making time for stress reducing conversations, supporting each other, and organising date nights. Stolen Focus is a useful read here to gain more presence.
(4) Kids Bucket: is all about spending more time with your kids. Taking them to sport, to the movies, to birthday parties or doing school pick-ups/drop-offs.
(5) Social Bucket: Is all about friends, family, parents, adventure, cultural events and socialising. It’s about experimenting with small changes like going for a hit of tennis, getting in touch with an old friend, going to a comedy night, going on a hike, visiting an art gallery, going to a music festival, heading away for the weekend with the boys, getting involved with social hobbies or organising a footy night.
Retraining Mindset
Clients say the ‘process’ of the recalibration phase: “retrains mindset” “reduces stress” “starts a new habit structure and routine” “gets control of a healthy way of living” “goes back to basics” “builds a new and stronger foundation to build from” “redefines what reasonable and sustainable is.”
They say the ‘end result’ of the recalibration phase: is: “being present with my wife and kids” “my capacity has increased” “more freedom” “being home on time” “back to the gym” “back playing sport again” and “having a life outside of work.”
