Optional Career Holiday “Time Out”

This page lays out what a career holiday “time out” looks like and why some men in midlife need one.

“If you’re going out for dinner, it’s going to take you two hours. You spend 5 minutes working out where to go for dinner, and 180 minutes actually having dinner. It would seem reasonable to spend 5 per cent of your time on how to spend the remaining 95 per cent. If you did that with your career, that would be 4,000 hours or two working years. That’s a legitimate thing to do – spending that length of time trying to work out how you should spend the rest of your life.”

-Will MacAskill, Tools of Titans

This “time out” is actually not a new idea. For thousands of years, tribes have engaged in rites of passage or initiations. Take for example the Aboriginal ancient tradition of “going walkabout.” Aboriginal men would leave the tribe and “go walkabout.” There the man would remain for a time, removed from the old connections, bereft of the old identifies, and stripped of the old reality. Alone and stripped of his old ways of being, he would discover new inner resources and a connection to nature and ancestors. Then he would return to the tribe and re-engage in life, but in a whole new way. It’s no different for men today.

What Does a Career Holiday “Time Out” Look Like For Men in Midlife?

Quotes from different clients about taking a “time out”:

“I needed some empty time between my old life and my new one.”

“If you don’t know what to do in life, go and experience different perspectives. Explore different spices and flavours. Then you’ll find your way. The way will become evident.”

“A time out is like retirement training.”

Men may “give themselves permission” to: take a leave of absence without pay; take long service leave; take a month off and go to a summer school to study music, art or writing; quit their job and take six-months out; or withdraw from life into a two-month camper van trip to let their head clear out.

I’ve found that the key ingredients to a career holiday “time out” are: simplicity, physical challenge, adventure, exploration, discovery, freedom, creativity, nature, aloneness, learning new skills, space, slowing down and time.

Men who have spent most of their working lives in ideas, theory and “knowledge work” long to do something that is: (1) physically challenging and practical “with their hands”; and (2) uncomplicated and simple. So, they may find short term temporary work like maintenance work, farm work, building things or working on a vineyard. This simple, practical work is a reaction against the competition, complexity and pressure that has dominated much of their work life. For once in their lives, they don’t have to produce results or accomplish anything. One client spent ten days cutting down trees on the Tiwi Islands. Another started doing maintenance work at his kid’s school. This work supports the community, so they feel valued and appreciated in new ways. One client said, “they’re genuinely grateful for the work” and “the community work is good for the soul.”

This work also facilitates a literal re-contacting of their physical body. A body that has laid dormant under a lifetime spent in their head. They literally begin to “feel their body” for the first time in years. They feel an aliveness as they free up rusty joints and sweat out the funk. The physical work also symbolises a literal re-building of self. In other words, the external tangible results of the physical work translates to internal growth, progress and forward movement. They can stand back and feel proud of doing “a hard day’s work.”

They want “time to think things over.” They may “take new risks” and go backpacking alone in the mountains. They may go for long drives; to surf a distant secluded beach, or to ride their mountain bike in the hills. Getting in touch with the rhythms of nature in this way, is symbolic of getting in touch with and restoring their own internal natural rhythms. They need structure, consistency and routine; they like daily plans and schedules, so they still feel productive. But within the structure they schedule “slowing down time”; they may enjoy walking the beaches or the back streets, counting the birds on a phone wire, sitting in the park or the movie theatre or just “spacing out” watching people and the clouds.

They come back to old activities, skills and interests but in new ways. At the same time, they learn new skills and grow in new ways. One client wanted to take up a skill he wasn’t good at, so he started learning to surf. By learning something new, he was back to being a beginner again. He said, it was humbling and hard in moments, but he pushed through and got coaching to be better at it. He built inner strength and confidence as he saw his progress. This small change was a physical metaphor that was transferable to his bigger life reinvention change, that “he ‘can’ do new things.”

Why Do Some Men in Midlife Need a Career Holiday “Time Out”?

Some men in midlife need a time out because of something along the lines of this scenario:

The basis of this scenario is that our lives can simply be divided into two worlds. There is our internal world, “the world in here” which houses our authentic “real self” or “who we are” and is full or needs, wants, sensations, thoughts and feelings. And then there is the external world “the world out there” or “outside ourselves” full of other people, work, accomplishments, possessions, lifestyle, prestige, social status and success.

Here is how the two worlds fit into the scenario for the men:

For the first half of life, there has been an exclusive or dominant focus on the external world; the pursuit of success, climbing the career ladder, excelling, and seeking achievement, competence, accomplishment, power, money and social status. By midlife, this has produced great results; prestigious professional career, comfortable lifestyle, nice car, married, kids, kids at school and the feelings of security and safety. From the outside their life looks great.

But in order to achieve the external success and the goals of the first half of life, to some degree, they have unwittingly placed their “identity” and “self-worth” in the external world. Their Identity and self-worth become attached to something external.

Identity 101: Identity is how we define and present ourselves to the world. This definition and presentation is made up of what we do, who we believe we are, who we believe we’re not, how we view ourselves, where we fit and the stories we tell ourselves and others of who we are. For these men, in this scenario, their identity is formed externally by their job title, role definitions, career, social status, wealth, lifestyle and success. In other words, their identity is formed externally by what they do and what they have. Largely, what they do ‘is’ who they are. If their job is high status, it means they’re high status. If they had to “work hard to get there” it means they’re a hard worker. If their job is secure, it means they’re secure. If they have a powerful position, it means they’re powerful. The external job factors have been internalised to form their identity.

Self-worth 101: Self-worth is their sense of value as a human. Like their identity, their self-worth is generated from the external world. They get their worth from their work. In a similar way, money is a measure of their worth. In other words, the more successful job they have and the more money they make, the more worthy they feel.

Yet getting their identity and self-worth from the external world is ‘not’ done consciously. In fact, it’s completely unconscious. Their identity (and their source of self-worth) has been socially “constructed”, built bit by bit over the years, based on unconsciously adopting the ideas and attitudes of others in the world they have grown up and lived in; how their early environment treated them, what they were told about themselves and what they were told about the world. Society, parents, school and the people around them have quietly and invisibly imposed an “ideal image” “snapshot” or “perfect picture” of who they “should” or “ought to” be.

Here are a few real life examples of how the external identity is unconsciously constructed:

• Childhood: “If I win my swimming races, it makes my parents smile.” Success unconsciously becomes linked with parental approval.

• School: “If I get an A, I get praise.” Getting an “A” unconsciously becomes linked to measures of self-worth.

• Career: “If I go into the same career as my parents, it will keep us closer.” Choosing a career that made their parents happy or following in their parents’ footsteps unconsciously becomes linked with belonging and happiness.

Therefore, for the first half of their lives this constructed identity is the “image” their parents, society, school and others had for them. In simple terms, how others saw them and wanted them to be, produced who they are today. They are completely unaware of having been moulded to live up to the expectations of others, conform to societies imposed rules and climb the social ladder. The external world, with its socially scripted tick boxes, rules and norms, has subconsciously constructed who they are and the path they take. It’s like they are driven by others, instead of being the driver of their lives.

This externally constructed identity is all they know about themselves. It’s a fixed and rigid view. They can’t imagine there could be any other self. They believe they ‘are’ this constructed identity. It’s a distortion or reality they are not aware of fabricating. They don’t see that it is something that has been “constructed.” The whole thing is completely outside of their awareness.

But, constructing this external identity has set up a domino effect of six major problems for them:

1. First, and the biggest problem, is that to construct their external identity (with its self-worth and success) they are subconsciously drawn into becoming who other people want them to be. But to be who other people want them to be, means they have to shut off who they are. In other words, in order to construct the external identity, there has been a simultaneous subconscious sacrificing of their internal world; a “suppressing” “shutting off” “orphaning” “abandoning” “alienating” or “disowning” of their authentic “real self.” The externally constructed identity has become a “substitute.” In other words, they have generated a “false self” to replace their “real self.”

   Like a snowball effect, this “false self” then becomes larger and stronger because it gains the approval of others via two pathways: social media and the workplace. Social media forces them to externalise their world; it encourages them to be something they’re not. The “false self” grows in response to getting more likes, hearts and comments. In other words, they morph into an “avatar” or “image” of what social media wants them to be. In the workplace, the manager, director or executive needs to be “unemotional” in order to “do their job.” Companies actively encourage and promote a man’s externalising of himself and the shutting off of “feeling.” The higher up the tree, the more external a man has to become, and the less he “feels.”

   The result is, these men feel worth, not for what and who they are, but for being something they’re not. This external identity “false self” has actually prevented them from finding out who actually lives behind the persona. They’ve been a stranger to their own real needs, feelings and interests for so long, that they no longer know what they want or even who they are. In other words, the more they’ve externalised, the more they’ve lost sight of their inner signals. Therefore, men typically feel “lost” “stuck” or “empty” because they’ve lost connection with their authentic “real self.” Their authentic “real self” is lost under the busyness and demands of their everyday life.

2. Second, is that living up to the expectations of others and seeking approval and worth externally, can cause them to feel like they are “living someone else’s life.” This can make them feel “trapped” in a life not of their liking. Like they are trapped in a life they didn’t consciously choose.

3. Third, for the first half of their life they’ve been in a fast-paced, high-performing “doing mode.” Their identity, worth and value is based on productivity. They don’t feel of value unless they’re productive. In other words, they need to produce something to feel of value. I call this the “productivity trap.” They don’t think they’ve used their time wisely, unless they can see some sort of productive output. The mindset is; the more work they output and the more productive they are, the more worthy they feel. This “go, go, go mentality” is all they know. If they have downtime, their default is more work. They’ve been doing it for 20-30 years. Their whole being is conditioned to only know doing mode. They don’t know any different than doing mode.

4. Fourth, they are left exhausted and burnt out from constantly being in three modes: a) “provider mode” for the family; b) daily “doing mode” high performing, outputting the work; and c) “climbing mode” up the career ladder. They realise they “can’t keep going” on the way they have been. They’ve had enough. “Something’s gotta change” they say to themselves. “It’s not sustainable.”

5. Fifth, internally driven self-worth is diminished. Placing their self-worth and value in the external has meant they have de-valued themselves. Life is lived from a constant sense of “lack” or “not enough-ness” cycling on the hamster wheel of obsessively trying to get “better and better things” and “making more and more money” to feel of worth.

6. Sixth, they realise that societies definition of success is a cul-de-sac; that the external world is incapable of providing meaning and purpose. They feel the full impact of the futility of their chase. Chasing the success has not given them anymore peace of mind, inner security or happiness. They realise that no amount of external accomplishment or achieving something “outside themselves” will make them happy. Success has actually stood in the way of them doing what really interests them and makes them happy.

In short, the focus on the external world has left them feeling burnt out, lost, trapped, having low self-worth and feel like life has no meaning.

But, as long as their current life is working to some degree, it is very difficult to imagine an alternative way of life while they’re still in it.

What they need is a “career holiday” “a career break” or “time out” to have a complete “circuit breaker” or “reset” from the external world. In the “time out” they shift from the external world to the internal world. By focusing on their internal world, they will locate their authentic “real self”, which will provide new direction and meaning.

Direction for men therefore is found inward. They’ve got to go in, to come out. In fact, “the way in, is the way out.”

They start with ‘deconstruction’ of their old identity.

Deconstruction of Their Old Identity

Identity is by far the biggest and hardest change to deal with in the time out. Their externally constructed identity got them to where they are now. But this has left them feeling burnt out and lost. It’s safe to say then, that their identity no longer serves them. Therefore, it would make sense that they need to deconstruct their old identity to go somewhere new.

In the time out, there is a “dismantling” “stripping” “shedding” “de-layering” or “peeling off” of their externally ‘constructed’ identity to find out who they are underneath. The time out removes the socially constructed layers of their identity; the social conditioning, social roles, social norms, social rules, behavioural expectations and cultural overlays. There is a complete break from conventional activity of their everyday existence. The activities of their ordinary life that kept them “them” by presenting them with a set of signals that are difficult to respond to in any but the old way are gone. The old cue system that served to reinforce their roles and patterns of behaviour is gone. They leave behind their story; who they think they are, who they were, what they’ve done in their life. There is a “deconstruction” of their old world and the identity they had built on it. But their identity doesn’t deconstruct easily; it has been reinforced for 20-30 years. So, this process is a slow, gradual, painful uncovering. Like a shedding of armour they have been carrying.

They lose old ways of defining themselves. They question: “If I’m not a property manager, then who am I?” “Without my job, who am I?” “Without work, who am I?” They’ve lost the security of a socially recognised label. For the first time in their lives, the answer to “what do you do for work?” becomes difficult. Instead of “doing mode” they are now in “being mode”; just being alone with themselves, trying to “slow down” “sit still” and fight the urge to return to the familiar work mindset and the old signs of productivity. Without being the breadwinner or provider, they’re unsure of the role they now play.

They often feel guilt or shame for “being unemployed.” Their inner critic may say “you’re a bum” “what are you doing?” “Get a job.” For 20-30 years they’ve been conditioned and institutionalised to “work.” The time out can feel like being let out of prison. The structured workday, regular paycheck and someone setting the work start/finish times is gone. Now there is freedom, but an uneasy disorientation as the familiar (even if was bad) is gone.

Cultivating Their Inner World

This is an in-between time when the old version of themselves is gone, but the new version is not online yet. In other words, there is a gap between who they once were, before they know who they are going to become next.

But here’s the catch; this deconstruction or “shedding” of their old identity is actually a “death” of the old version of themselves. And they need to leave that person behind. In other words, to grow, they have to “die” and then be “re-born” as a new person, as a new identity. But that identity change involves a loss of themselves. A loss of who they once we’re. Like grieving the loss of a loved one, they need to grieve the loss of the old version of themselves. In other words, they need to give themselves time to mourn the loss of the previous version of themselves before they become what it is they are going to become next.

Clients have called this time “the dip” “the ditch” “the pit” “the gap” or “no man’s land.” Men describe the feelings and experiences during this time as: “Hard to put into words.” “I learned to linger.” “I felt untethered, drifting.” “I feel like a shipwrecked sailor.”

But this time out provides them with access to an angle of vision on life that they can get nowhere else. The deconstruction of their old identity allows them to “stand back” “zoom out” “take stock” “get a fresh perspective” and see their life objectively from the outside. In other words, they’ve removed their old identity glasses so that they can see the world anew. Without the old glasses, they obtain new visibility. The invisible becomes visible; the invisible social constructions that formed their past identity, are now visible. They can now objectively see the layers of themselves that were constructed by society and the external world. They truths, laws and rules of the society they live in are illuminated. They also come to realise that a significant part of their old “reality” was in their head, not out there; the flawless parent, the trustworthy boss, the honest corporation, the perfect wife and the lifelong friend are an inner cast of characters looking for actors to play the parts. Everything they ordinarily thought of as reality is now seen as some sort of an illusion.

Even though this is tough stuff to face, they find there is power in giving up their identity, having a non-identity and becoming “nobody.” They switch off “climbing mode”, switch on “discovery mode” and turn inward. They cultivate the sacrificed inner world; they “find out about themselves” and get to know “who they are.” They go through a process of making sense of their life up until now. Men often feel the urge to understand how they got here. Its like thinking about their autobiography. They recollect, reflect and reminisce on their past, old times, memories and their childhood. Men will say “things I haven’t remembered in years are reappearing.” There is a “coming home” to themselves. They discover lost parts of themselves. Parts that they once enjoyed but had got lost.

Through this process, they discover their natural personality, interests, values, gifts and abilities. Their authentic real self is uncovered.

Building a New Identity

From this authentic real self foundation, they begin “rebuilding” their own entirely new identity; a new version of themselves that is internally driven instead of external. If shedding their old identity was like a death of the old version of themselves; this then, is their “re-birth.”

They go through an inner “regeneration” or “self-renewal” via spiritual awakening, deepening societal awareness, forging a life philosophy and psychological insights. As a result, there is a restructuring of mindset, beliefs, values, habits and stories they have about themselves. Up until now, they had only a single identity and story for themselves. Now, they realise they are a lot more than that.

They unlearn the style of mastering and conquering the world. They recognise the parts of their old identity they don’t want to take into the new one. One client said to me “I don’t want to start work at 7am anymore.” They learn to listen to, tolerate and express feelings, rather than avoid them. Emotions are seen as messengers. Feelings become signposts. What was frozen is felt. The unexpressed, expressed. The unvoiced, voiced. There is a broadening of self and a fuller range of experience which is now available.

The inner world of the authentic real self, becomes like a “guide” or “reference point.” Like they’ve made contact with their inner compass or inner GPS. They give external expression to their inner world via writing or journalling. They force themselves to put things into words and out of the blur of their experience they begin to get clarity. They discover that the authentic real self has an innate capacity and want for expansion and growth. Soon, they locate unused potential lying dormant within them. They begin to “back themselves,” trust themselves more and their self-reliance increases. They listen to their “inner voice”, intuitive insights, inner callings and Inner signals that alert them to the proximity of new beginnings and what they need to become for the next chapter of their life. In short, they find new signs of location and a new source of direction. Because of this, they re-orient and form new roadmaps of self and world and carve out a new role for themselves in the family system. In other words, the inner world provides them with a new sense of who they are, where they fit and where they are going.

What emerges is a new sense of themselves. Colours seem more vivid, the air tastes sweeter, sounds seem crisper, and sensations feel more “alive.” Their self-worth increases. Their worth is now placed internally not externally. They say, “I don't need possessions, career and all this external stuff to be worth something.” “I'm worth something, I value myself and I'm 'good enough' just as I am.” The sum of this is an increasing of the internal world and a decreasing of the external world. The internal world now steers the ship, rather than the external. Self-directed, rather than external directed. They integrate this new sense of self into phase 5 reinvention.

Renovating a House

Deconstruction of an old identity, cultivating the inner world and building a new identity is like renovating a house. To get to the inner framework or structure of the house, the external furnishings need to come off, the plaster needs stripping back and the carpet needs pulling up. It’s a process of deconstruction, stripping back and de-assembly. Then once you’ve got to the “bare bones” or “foundation” you can see what needs work; you can add a few new joists, re-do the wiring, re plumb the kitchen and add a few new stumps. Then comes the process of reconstruction or building new.

It’s no different for men.

Relational Changes

Time out has a domino effect on their relationships. Like interconnected cogs in a system, when they change their cog, all the other cogs are affected. In other words, their time out affects the “status quo” for the people around them. So, this is a time of relational adjustment. This relational adjustment is felt more in the first 4 weeks of time out as “the system” around them attempts to adjust to their change.

New relationships come along, existing ones strengthen or need to be renegotiated or existing relationships fall away. Some relationships change in opposite directions. Some relationships change as a reaction to their transition. There is also a good chance that people won’t understand what they’re doing or “think they’re crazy.”

In other words, there can be positive and less positive types of relational change in response to their transition. On the less positive aspects of relational change, I personally found that during my 8-month time out, people who I thought were friends, were only friends with who I was. When that was gone, they disappeared. On the more positive relational changes, during a time out, one dad said to me, “this is the best thing I’ve ever done. I went with my 10-year-old son on his school camp. I felt like I got to know a side of him I never knew.”

So, when they’re going through their time out, its normal to experience positive and less positive reactions to their transition.