Optional Career Holiday “Time Out”

“I needed some empty time between my old life and my new one” one client said to me.

This “time out” is actually not a new idea. For thousands of years, tribes have engaged in rites of passage or initiations. Take for example the Aboriginal ancient tradition of “going walkabout.” Aboriginal men would leave the tribe and “go walkabout.” There the man would remain for a time, removed from the old connections, bereft of the old identifies, and stripped of the old reality. Alone and stripped of his old ways of being, he would discover new inner resources and a connection to nature and ancestors. Then he would return to the tribe and re-engage in life, but in a whole new way. It’s no different for men today.

What Does a Career Holiday “Time Out” Look Like?

“If you don’t know what to do in life, go and experience different perspectives. Explore different spices and flavours. Then you’ll find your way. The way will become evident” one client said to me.

Another client said that a career holiday “time out” is like “retirement training.”

Men may “give themselves permission” to: take a leave of absence without pay; take long service leave; take a month off and go to a summer school to study music, art or writing; quit their job and take six-months out; or withdraw from life into a two-month camper van trip to let their head clear out.

I’ve found that the key ingredients to a career holiday “time out” are: simplicity, physical challenge, adventure, exploration, discovery, freedom, creativity, nature, aloneness, learning new skills, space, stillness and time.

Men who have spent most of their working lives in ideas, theory and “knowledge work” long to do something that is: (1) physically challenging and practical “with their hands”; and (2) uncomplicated and simple. So, they may find short term temporary work like maintenance work, farm work, building things or working on a vineyard. This simple, practical work, is a reaction against the competition, complexity and pressure that has dominated much of their work life. For once in their lives they don’t have to produce results or accomplish anything. One client spent ten days cutting down trees on the Tiwi Islands. Another started doing maintenance work at his kids school. This work supports the community, so they feel valued and appreciated in new ways. One client said “they’re genuinely grateful for the work” and “the community work is good for the soul.”

This work also facilitates a literal re-contacting of their physical body. A body that has laid dormant under a lifetime spent in their head. They literally begin to “feel their body” for the first time in years. They feel an aliveness as they free up rusty joints and sweat out the funk. The physical work also symbolises a literal re-building of self. In other words, the external tangible results of the physical work translates to internal growth, progress and forward movement. They can stand back and feel proud of doing “a hard day’s work.”

They want “time to think things over.” They may “take new risks” and go backpacking alone in the mountains. They may go for long drives; to surf a distant secluded beach, or to ride their mountain bike in the hills. Getting in touch with the rhythms of nature in this way, is symbolic of getting in touch with and restoring their own internal natural rhythms. They enjoy structure, consistency and ritualised routine; they may enjoy walking the beaches or the back streets, getting up at 6am and going to the gym, counting the birds on a phone wire, sitting in the park or the movie theatre or just “spacing out” watching people and the clouds.

They come back to old activities, skills and interests but in new ways. At the same time, they learn new skills and grow in new ways. One client wanted to take up a skill he wasn’t good at, so he started learning to surf. By learning something new, he was back to being a beginner again. He said, It was humbling and hard in moments, but he pushed through and got coaching to be better at it. He built inner strength and confidence as he saw his progress. This small change was a physical metaphor that was transferable to his bigger life reinvention change, that “ he ‘can’ do new things.”

Why Do Some Men Need a Career Holiday “Time Out”?

Some men need a time out because of something along the lines of this scenario:

For the first half of life, there has been an exclusive focus on the external world; the pursuit of success, climbing the career ladder, excelling, and seeking achievement, competence, accomplishment, power, money and social status. By midlife, this has produced great results; prestigious professional career, comfortable lifestyle, nice car, married, kids, kids at school and the feelings of security and safety. From the outside their life looks great.

But in order to achieve the external success and the goals of the first half of life, to some degree, they have unwittingly placed their “identity” and “worth” in the external world.

Identity 101: Identity is how we define and present ourselves to the world. This definition and presentation is made up of what we do, who we believe we are, who we believe we’re not, how we view ourselves, where we fit and the stories we tell ourselves and others of who we are. For these men, in this scenario, their identity is formed externally by their job title, role definitions, career, social status, wealth, lifestyle and success. In other words, their identity is formed externally by what they do and what they have. Largely, what they do ‘is’ who they are. If their job is high status, it means they’re high status. If they had to “work hard to get there” it means they’re a hard worker. If their job is secure, it means they’re secure. If they have a powerful position, it means they’re powerful. The external job factors have been internalised to form their identity.

Worth 101: Worth is their sense of value as a human. Like their identity, their worth is generated from the external world. They get their worth from their work. In a similar way, money is a measure of their worth. In other words, the more successful job they have and the more money they make, the more worthy they feel.

Yet getting their identity and worth from the external world is ‘not’ done consciously. In fact, it’s completely unconscious. The deceiving thing about this external identity is that it is “socially constructed” - it is formed and maintained by society. Their identity (and their source of worth) has been “constructed” based on unconsciously adopting the ideas and attitudes of others in the world they have grown up and lived in; how their early environment treated them, what they were told about themselves and what they were told about the world. Society, parents and the people around them have quietly and invisibly imposed an “ideal image” “snapshot” or “perfect picture” of who they “could” “should” or “ought to” be.

For the first half of their lives this constructed identity is the “image” their parents, society and others had for them. In other words, how others saw them affected who they are today. They are completely unaware of having been moulded to live up to the expectations of others, conform to societies imposed rules and climb the social ladder. The external world, with its socially scripted tick boxes, rules and norms, has subconsciously constructed who they are and the path they take. Its like they are driven by others, instead of being the driver of their lives.

This externally constructed identity is all they know about themselves. It’s a fixed and rigid view that is reinforced because it gains the approval of others. They can’t imagine there could be any other self. They believe they ‘are’ this constructed identity. It’s a distortion or reality they are not aware of fabricating. They don’t see that it is something that has been ‘constructed.’ The whole thing is completely outside of their awareness. At the end of this page I have added resources on socially constructed identities and social constructs.

But, constructing this external identity has set up a domino effect of four major problems for them:

1. First, and the biggest problem, is that to construct their external identity (with its worth and success) they subconsciously become who others want them to be. But to be who other people want them to be, means they have to shut off who they are. In other words, in order to construct the external identity, there has been a simultaneous subconscious sacrificing of their internal world; a “suppressing” “shutting off” “orphaning” “abandoning” “alienating” or “disowning” of their authentic “real self.” In other words, the externally constructed identity has become a “substitute” for their authentic real self. They feel worth, not for what and who they are, but for being something they’re not. This external identity has actually prevented them from finding out who actually lives behind the persona. They’ve been a stranger to their own real needs, feelings and interests for so long, that they no longer know what they want or even who they are. Therefore, men typically feel “lost” “stuck” or “empty” because they’ve lost contact with their authentic real self. Their authentic real self is lost under the busyness and demands of their everyday life.

2. Second, they are left exhausted and burnt out from being the “breadwinner” and being in constant “climbing mode” up the career and social ladder. They realise they “can’t keep going” on the way they have been. “Something’s gotta change” they say to themselves. “It’s not sustainable.”

3. Third, internally driven self-worth is diminished. Placing their worth and value in the external has meant they have de-valued themselves. Life is lived from a constant sense of “lack” or “not enough-ness” cycling on the hamster wheel of obsessively trying to get “better and better things” and “making more and more money” to feel of worth.

4. Fourth, they realise that societies definition of success is a cul-de-sac; that the external world is incapable of providing meaning and purpose. They feel the full impact of the futility of their chase. Chasing the success has not given them anymore peace of mind, inner security or happiness. In other words, success actually stood in the way of them doing what really interests them and makes them happy.

In short, the focus on the external world has left them feeling burnt out, lost, having low self-worth and feel like life has no meaning. But, as long as their current life is working to some degree, it is very difficult to imagine an alternative way of life while they’re still in it. What they need is a “career holiday” “a career break” or “time out” to have a complete “circuit breaker” from the external world. In the “time out” they shift from the external world to the internal world. By focusing on their internal world, they will locate their authentic “real self”, which will provide new direction and meaning.

Direction for men therefore is found inward. They’ve got to go in, to come out. In fact, “the way in, is the way out.”

They start with ‘deconstruction’ of their old identity.

Deconstruction of Their Old Identity

Identity is by far the biggest and hardest change to deal with in the time out. Their externally constructed identity got them to where they are now. But this has left them feeling burnt out and lost. It’s safe to say then, that their identity no longer serves them. Therefore, it would make sense that they need to deconstruct their old identity to go somewhere new.

In the time out there is a “dismantling” “stripping” “shedding” “de-layering” or “peeling off” of their externally ‘constructed’ identity to find out who they are underneath. The time out removes the socially constructed layers of their identity; the social conditioning, social roles, social norms, social rules, behavioural expectations and cultural overlays. There is a complete break from conventional activity of their everyday existence. The activities of their ordinary life that kept them “them” by presenting them with a set of signals that are difficult to respond to in any but the old way are gone. The old cue system that served to reinforce their roles and patterns of behaviour is gone. They leave behind their story; who they think they are, who they were, what they’ve done in their life. There is a “deconstruction” of their old world and the identity they had built on it. But their identity doesn’t deconstruct easily; it has been reinforced for 20-30 years. So, this process is a slow, gradual, painful uncovering. Like a shedding of armour they have been carrying.

They lose old ways of defining themselves. They question: “If I’m not a property manager, then who am I?” “Without my job, who am I?” They’ve lost the security of a socially recognised label. Without being the breadwinner, they’re unsure of the role they now play. For the first time in their lives, the answer to “what do you do for work?” becomes difficult. They often feel guilt or shame for “being unemployed.” Their inner critic may say “you’re a bum” “what are you doing?” “Get a job.” For 20-30 years they’ve been conditioned and institutionalised to “work.” The time out can feel like being let out of prison. The structured work day, regular pay check and someone setting the work start/finish times is gone. Now there is freedom, but an uneasy disorientation as the familiar (even if was bad) is gone.

Cultivating Their Inner World

This is an in-between time when their old self is gone, but their new self is not online yet. Clients have called this “the dip” “the ditch” “the pit” “the gap” or “no man’s land.” Men describe the feelings and experiences during this time as: “Hard to put into words.” “I learned to linger.” “I felt untethered, drifting.” “I feel like a shipwrecked sailor.”

But this time out provides them with access to an angle of vision on life that they can get nowhere else. The deconstruction of their old identity allows them to stand back “take stock” “get a fresh perspective” and see their life objectively from the outside. In other words, they’ve removed their old identity glasses so that they can see the world anew. Without the old glasses, they obtain new visibility. The invisible becomes visible; the invisible social constructions that formed their past identity, are now visible. They can now objectively see the layers of themselves that were constructed by society and the external world. They also come to realise that a significant part of their old “reality” was in their head, not out there; the flawless parent, the trustworthy boss, the honest corporation, the perfect wife and the lifelong friend are an inner cast of characters looking for actors to play the parts. Everything they ordinarily thought of as reality is now seen as some sort of an illusion.

Even though this is tough stuff to face, they find there is power in giving up their identity, having a non-identity and becoming “nobody.” They switch off “climbing mode”, switch on “discovery mode” and turn inward. They cultivate the sacrificed inner world; they “find out about themselves” and get to know “who they are.” They go through a process of making sense of their life up until now. Men often feel the urge to understand how they got here. Its like thinking about their autobiography. They recollect, reflect and reminisce on their past, old times, memories and their childhood. Men will say “things I havn’t remembered in years are reappearing.” There is a “coming home” to themselves. They discover lost parts of themselves. Parts that they once enjoyed, but had got lost. Their authentic real self is uncovered.

Building a New Identity

Through this process, they discover their natural personality, interests, values, gifts and abilities. From this foundation, they begin “rebuilding” their own entirely new identity; an identity that is internally directed instead of external. They go through an inner “regeneration” or “self-renewal” via spiritual awakening, deepening societal awareness, forging a life philosophy and psychological insights. As a result, there is a restructuring of mindset, beliefs, values, habits and stories they have about themselves. They unlearn the style of mastering and conquering the world. They recognise the parts of their old identity they don’t want to take into the new one. One client said to me “I don’t want to start work at 7am anymore.” They learn to listen to, tolerate and express feelings, rather than avoid them. Emotions are seen as messengers. Feelings become signposts. What was frozen is felt. The unexpressed, expressed. The unvoiced, voiced. There is a broadening of self and a fuller range of experience which is now available.

The inner world of the authentic real self, becomes like a “guide” or “reference point.” Like they’ve made contact with their inner compass or inner GPS. They give external expression to their inner world via writing or journalling. They force themselves to put things into words and out of the blur of their experience they begin to get clarity. They discover that the authentic real self has an innate capacity and want for expansion and growth. Soon, they locate unused potential lying dormant within them. They begin to “back themselves,” trust themselves more and their “self-reliance” increases. They listen to their “inner voice”, intuitive insights, inner callings and Inner signals that alert them to the proximity of new beginnings and what they need to become for the next chapter of their life. In short, the find new signs of location and a new source of direction. Because of this, they re-orient and form new roadmaps of self and world and carve out a new role for themselves in the family system. In other words, the inner world provides them with a new sense of who they are, where they fit and where they are going.

What emerges is a new sense of themselves. Colours seem more vivid, the air tastes sweeter, sounds seem crisper, and sensations feel more “alive.” Their self-worth increases. Their worth is now placed internally not externally. They say, “I don't need possessions, career and all this external stuff to be worth something.” “I'm worth something, I value myself and I'm 'good enough' just as I am.” The sum of this is an increasing of the internal world and a decreasing of the external world. The internal world now steers the ship, rather than the external. Self-directed, rather than external directed. They integrate this new sense of self into phase 5 reinvention.

Renovating a House

Deconstruction of an old identity, cultivating the inner world and building a new identity is like renovating a house. To get to the inner framework or structure of the house, the external furnishings need to come off, the plaster needs stripping back and the carpet needs pulling up. It’s a process of deconstruction, stripping back and de-assembly. Then once you’ve got to the “bare bones” or “foundation” you can see what needs work; you can add a few new joists, re-do the wiring, re plumb the kitchen and add a few new stumps. Then comes the process of reconstruction or building new.

It’s no different for men.

Relational Changes

Time out has a domino effect on their relationships. Like interconnected cogs in a system, when they change their cog, all the other cogs are affected. In other words, their time out affects the “status quo” for the people around them. So, this is a time of relational adjustment. This relational adjustment is felt more in the first 4 weeks of time out as “the system” around them attempts to adjust to their change.

New relationships come along, existing ones strengthen or need to be renegotiated or existing relationships fall away. Some relationships change in opposite directions. Some relationships change as a reaction to their transition. There is also a good chance that people won’t understand what they’re doing or “think they’re crazy.”

In other words, there can be positive and less positive types of relational change in response to their transition. On the less positive aspects of relational change, I personally found that during my 8-month time out, people who I thought were friends, were only friends with who I was. When that was gone, they disappeared. On the more positive relational changes, during a time out, one dad said to me, “this is the best thing I’ve ever done. I went with my 10-year-old son on his school camp. I felt like I got to know a side of him I never knew.”

So, when their going through their time out, its normal to experience positive and less positive reactions to their transition.

Try This Tool

This is probably a lot to take in. You may be thinking “he can’t be right” there’s no way I have an externally constructed identity. Maybe I’m totally wrong. But if you want to try a simple experiment to roughly separate your externally constructed identity from your authentic real self try this 15 minute YouTube exercise with Russell Brand and Guru Mooji. This will demonstrate what the authentic real self feels like.