When I’m stressed I ask myself a series of questions.

Writing down the answers to the questions and taking action on the items immediately helps me to feel less stressed.

I wanted to share my stress reducing process in case it could be useful for you.

First off though, I want to explain what stress is.

3 minute read

What Is Stress?

We feel stressed when the external demands exceed our capacity to cope.

Written another way: demand exceeds capacity = stress

See picture - graph left.

The key factors here are demands and capacity.

Let’s take a look at them both.

Demands:

Demand is the “expected” amount of output people require from you.

It includes: requests, dealing with deadlines, unpredictability, unrealistic expectations, work load, being overloaded, unreasonable work hours, challenge, uncertainty, uncontrollability, obligations, duties, lack of information and responsibilities.

Capacity:

Capacity is the “maximum” amount of output you can produce.

It includes: mental and physical ability, delivering, performing, capability, potential, energy, support and time.

Now we’ve got clarity on what stress is I’m going to lay out my stress reducing process.

How Do I Reduce Stress?

The way to reduce stress is to reduce demand and increase capacity.

This is the three step process I use to do this.

Step 1 - Ask Myself Questions

To reduce demand, is to push back on what people expect from me, to manage myself and identify high standards I’m expecting from myself.

I do this by asking myself these three questions:

What do I need to say no to?
what do I need to stop doing?
Am I placing demands on myself?

To increase capacity is to fill my cup, feel supported, replenish and re-charge.

I do this by asking myself these three questions:

what do I need to say yes to?
What do I need to start doing?
Who do I need to ask for help?

Step 2 - Write Down the Answers

I take an A4 piece of paper. On one side I write demands. Then under the demands heading I create 3 columns. I write the three reduce demands questions in the columns. Then I start to write down my answers. I repeat the same process for capacity questions on the other side of the paper.

Step 3 - Get to Work

I start actioning the easiest thing there is to action on the list. Usually I start with reducing demands first. I tick items off the list as I action them.

Result

Once I start actioning the items and ticking things off, I find my stress reduces immediately.

My goal is to end up with more capacity than demand i.e. no stress.

Control My Stress

When I’m stressed, my life can feel out of control.

I find these questions are a way for me to take back control.

Below I have written out common everyday examples under each question.

Reducing Demand

1. What do I need to say no to?

Examples are:

Say no to the extra project to manage that’s thrown at you at work
Say no to managing others if that’s not your core responsibility
Say no to thinking you need to fix the system
Say no to needing to stand up and protect others
Say no to the extra weekend activities for the kids
Say no to the Friday night work drinks
Say no to trying to meet your parents expectations
Say “no that’s not okay” to anyone you need to when you need to

2. What do I need to stop doing?

Examples are:

Stop worrying about others breaking the rules
Stop worrying about what “might be coming” at work
Stop worrying about management decisions
Stop being angry at perceived injustice
Stop being critical of others
Stop staying at work late getting that last email out
Stop buying things that increase financial stress
Stop drinking the wines and beers every night
Stop hiding feelings
Stop meeting others needs before your own
Stop avoiding conflict
Stop measuring yourself against others
Stop believing you can get through everything by yourself

3. Am I placing demands on myself?

I split demands into: task, time and people.

Task:

Task is the amount of things you’re trying to get done.

Task examples are:

Am I expecting too much of myself? Am I striving for perfection?
Is it me that’s filling my calendar with appointments and things to do?
Is it me that’s telling me to get these things done before I leave work?
Is it me that’s saying to open my laptop at the weekend?
Am I doing things that no one has asked me to do?
Am I over-delivering?
Am I trying to get my work finished all the time?
Am I trying to achieve the impossible?
Am I trying to meet the benchmark of “how things should be done?”
Do I have a rule for myself that “it could always be done better?”
Am I trying to be mistake free?
What am I trying to prove?

Time:

Time is the timeframe you’re trying to get the things done by.

Time examples are:

Is it me that’s setting the deadlines and due dates?
Do I want to get this off my desk?
Am I trying to rush through things?
Am I trying to get it all done today?
Do I have to make this decision now?
Can I leave this until next week?
Can I respond to this email tomorrow?
Can I wait and see what happens?

People examples are:

Am I trying to get along with everyone?
Am I expecting everyone to like me?
Am I trying to feel heard in meetings?

Increasing Capacity

1. What do I need to say yes to?

Examples are:

Say yes to being more flexible at work i.e. doing the doctors appointment on work time
Say yes to breaking the rules more
Say yes to “okay work” i.e. not perfect
Say yes to having your entitled “full” lunch break outside in the park
Say yes to leaving work on time
Say yes to the weekend away

2. What do I need to start doing?

Examples are:

Constructing tighter boundaries
Give yourself permission to do less
Saying “i don’t know.”
Not responding to things immediately
Use others measures of output, not your own.
Getting out for a walk in nature
Booking that annual leave and taking a holiday
Do a walk before work or after work
Eating healthier and making your own food
Focus on getting better sleep
Get into some self-care like massages or chiropractic

3. Who do I need to ask for help?

Examples are:

Asking your partner for what you need
Asking your boss for support
Seeking feedback to clarify work expectations and boundaries
Asking peers or colleagues for advice
Telling people that you’ve reached your capacity
If you havn’t got the information, who can you ask?
Seeing a psychologist or coach
Talking to a friend or relative

Next Time You’re Feeling Stressed

Ask yourself these questions, write down your answers and get to work ticking things off the list.

Feeling Stressed? Ask Yourself These Questions